my first guiding dream, in 1948 * 2nd in Series.

My first attempt to write my story came with what I called a Spiritual Awakening, posted on here with a picture of my two little boys at that time.  These are sequential, so please remind yourself of that, or read it first.

Within a year, the first of the five guiding dreams came. I had begun to realize that if I paid attention, there were more unexplained experiences happening in my life than I had realized. I also remembered one event from a few months earlier, a few months after my first child had been born. I had been standing near a grease pit as my husband and his friend were playing a pinball machine as the car was being worked on. I stepped back, and began to fall backwards into the pit. I was told that it had appeared to others that my head would hit the metal bar on the other side of the pit. But, without my being able to see where I was falling, and without leverage, I was suddenly across, only to land on my padded backside, on that metal bar. It gave me a distinct black and blue mark, but in essence, I was not injured. My husband and his friend could not see how I had managed to fall that safer way. But, at the time, I had taken it for granted, and not wondered about it myself.

Just another thought about when I might have fallen into the grease pit. I imagine that hardly any of you readers would have ever seen a grease pit. A service station now has a hydraulic lift for the car, and the attendant works at ground level, underneath the car to change the oil and lube it. But, this time was Feb. 1946, as my husband was being mustered out of the Army Air Force, after WW 2 was over. Service Stations had a deep pit where you drove your car over it with the wheels guided by 4 to 6 inch high metal strips on each side of the pit. The attendant had to go down at the front end of the pit, using a light on an extension cord, and do all the work down there. It was a horrendously dirty job. And, these open pits were a danger.  (What a place for a pin ball machine!)

But, in the aftermath of this recent event of catching my two year old as he fell down the stairs, that incident kept coming back to mind, and I began to see it was not as much to be taken for granted as I had thought. But, my main impressions and thoughts were about my responsibility as a mother, and to be more aware of my surroundings, more careful, more willing to try to catch any mistakes I might be about to make. If I felt that someone might criticize me, I began to look for whether or not that concern might be for a good reason. I wondered if I might be more observant about myself, first, and not dread that someone else might make me see it. I would say I was more self-aware, more self-responsible, and really, I needed to do this. This was not the same as looking within; it was all in terms of my situation, relationships and my environment. I was more waked up to the here and now.

My first guiding dream, and then, it seemed to be the only one.

Partial Aspects of Self to be Integrated.   1948

Then I had this dream. I seemed to be on a dusty dirt road, walking toward a Church on the right hand side. As I approached it, I saw two women come out, and walk toward me. They seemed not to see me, and I had to move to the side to get out of their way.  The women looked like twins, but one was tired looking, disheveled, her hair was a mess; she had a food stained apron on, and everyday housework clothes. The other one was dressed at her best, and she seemed to look down on the other. The tired one was looking toward the well-dressed one as if she felt ashamed and inferior to her. But, then I seemed to know; they were both aspects of the same person, who was coming out of the Church from her own funeral. It seemed as if the two aspects of the woman were not one and the same in her own mind and memory. After they went past me, I could no longer see them.

Next, I saw two men, one in the youthful prime of life, another who was elderly, and a young boy, all walk down the road toward me from the Church. I saw the one who was in the prime of his life looking down on the elderly man, and both of the men seemed to be annoyed with the boy as he skipped along playing and kicking a rock. But, I thought to them strongly, “you are one and the same person, don’t judge each other like that”. And, gradually, I saw the three of them merge. They became a mature adult, not in the youthful prime of life, and yet not elderly either. It was as if judging others, as he must have done, had reflected back on himself, and he was realizing it. Once they went past me, they were no longer on the road to be seen.

I waited and watched, but no one else came out of the Church, and I walked on to the door. I had wondered if I was dead, and if I would find myself in the Church, in separate aspects of myself I might have to integrate. After what seemed to be a long time, I opened the door, but discovered it was just a facade, there was the front of a building, but nothing else. I then looked further along the same road, to where there was darkness. I still wondered if I was perhaps dead, and I went along further toward this darkness. I came to a building at the end of the road, somewhat on my left, and looked in. It had purple light in it, and cobwebs all over. I saw a big, human sized spider, a male, behind a bar across from the doorway. I did not enter, I was terribly afraid, and I felt that this was an evil place. Whatever was in there was aware of me, but would not follow me. But, I had to leave that place. I felt that I would have to see what this meant, but then was not the time to do so.

I went back down the road in the way I had come, going past the Church. All along the road on the side of the Church, I saw various rooms, all with open doors, and with living scenes going on in them. It seemed to be of my own memories of times and places. But, I kept going. I had sometimes been in a position to look at these rooms from the other side of this road, but that side from which I stood to look had seemed to be vacant with nothing there.  I was not paying any attention to that side of the road, but it seemed empty. Yet it was often the position of my viewpoint, or behind me.

After quite a distance, I heard music and laughter coming from a room, still further down from the Church, beyond all those other rooms, and I went in. There was a party going on, piano playing, dancing, drinking, and people standing around the piano and singing.  I joined in. But, before long, I began to get very ill at ease. None of the people were “being themselves”. They were all playing a flirting game, in a sort of untruthful way. It was all fun and games. No one really related to anyone else, and no honest or real communicating was going on. It was more just joking, teasing, and being a show off. And, I did not want to be and do this, although, I realized I had begun to live a lot of fun and games pretty much like that. I also had a certain dress on, black, a bit too tight, a sexy look to it, and it did not give any message I wanted to give to these strangers. I knew no one there.

Then I saw myself in a full-length mirror.  I was appearing to be older, plumper, and generally more worldly than I really was at that age. I hated the idea I would become this. I also saw my appearance as looking like one of my Aunts, who was an alcoholic and had a reputation as a being a sort of a tramp at times. Suddenly, I was younger, looking like my real self, but nude, without a stitch on as I looked in the mirror. I expected everyone to cheer and laugh and make much of this. But, instead, they all were suddenly silent, in shock, and ashamed to be there, and to see this happen. I ran out of the room and back down the road toward the Church. I went past many rooms, but then I saw my Mother in our kitchen at home, and I ran in there crying and clinging to her. She held me, but she never said a word, and never did anything. After a while, I realized, she is not really here, I am imagining her as I remembered her. I am not a child now, and I don’t belong here.  But, I sure do want to be myself, and not be the way I was seeing myself as I might become, as I had appeared back there in that room.

I left that room, and slowly began to walk back down the road, past those other rooms, to where I had been at the start of the dream. I was not aware of being nude, but I felt, without thought, that I had different clothes on, from having been with my mother. Without realizing when things changed, suddenly my husband was beside me, walking back with me to where I had come from. He was not aware or speaking, but he was with me. But, we were both children of about five or six. We came to a steep hill, and climbed it, definitely to a higher level, and came out on Eastern Ave, the actual street where we lived, but it seemed also to be a direction bearing on the nature and outline of the dream. Our house was on the side I had never looked at, in the dream. We went home, and I had a fresh start.

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