Following my first guiding dream, of different aspects of myself * 3rd in Series.

The next 4 years were difficult ones. In a way, I had to realize that I was trying to be what others wanted me to be. First, it had come from my Mother, at an earlier time, and from my husband and people around me, by that time of my life. I wanted to be myself, but I did not know how to do this in the midst of what others expected and wanted of me. But, with this dream, I literally could not wear that dress in comfort again, and I had to stay aware of the image I was giving others, out of the way I acted and dressed.  It was seared into my self consciousness.  But, that image of me was what my husband wanted very much.  Still, he had not been with me in my dream.  I alone  had been attracted to the fun and games, the party time, the attention and the pretense of flirting,.  But, it was he who had found this to be so important to be going on for  us.  My impulse away from it was very hard for him to accept.

By now, I can say for my husband and myself, we have realized so much about our differences that we did not understand at all back then.  Men think in direct ways, to a point, about what is in front of them.  They see themselves as being practical, able to set priorities.  Women think more in an outreaching way in all directions at once, considering what others have in mind, want, need, or are attempting to do.  She also needs his more focused way, but he needs her sense of considering what else is going on too.  If he thinks she is unfocused, failing to see the point that is obvious to him, then he can try to just decide for both of them, sure he is doing it for her.  If she thinks he is inconsiderate or thoughtless of others, she can feel she must insist on what she sees as the necessity.  Both reactions, and whatever else comes of these misunderstandings, are coming from each one doubting the capacity of the other, and trying to take over.  They are not being supportive to each other, not valuing or appreciating, or not even recognizing that they each need what can come from the other.  They feel more and more alone, and find it harder and harder to really communicate and listen to each other.

So, I was beginning to see and realize this. but sharing it between us was something else for a long long time.

Saying this, I can add, I found it a time of severe strain in our marriage.  If my husband felt this way too, I did not know it.  I saw his concerns being about his job, his guy friends, earning a living, and it seemed as if I was not fitting in to his plans and expectations after this dream.  He was often upset with me, and I did not know why.   I can see, rereading, that I already had a tendency to be expecting criticism, to be found with short comings, to be in the wrong, as if I had to walk on eggs all the time.  But that was from  inside me, not actually going on.  I was expecting it, watching out for it.  So, it was extremely difficult to see it for what it was.

I had met him as soon as I was 18, and old enough to get a job in GE, during world war 2.  He was 19, and subject to the draft at any time.  I had done well in school, and I was tested and then given a security clearance to be trained to take a technician’s job as men were constantly being drafted out of the work force.    We worked together, and soon were a couple, but we worked 3:30 to 11  pm, second shift.   So, we actually only had 4 dates as such.  When he was drafted a  little over a year later, the management selected me to learn his job.  (Yes, even then, I earned less than he had, but he had a two year degree as a technician, and I was  just out of high school.)

Now, he is and was an impressive man.  He had graduated at 16, (so had I), and came from a family—- where for his father’s medical reasons, they were on welfare.  He had the highest grades possible  for the school, and his High School Principal paid in full for him to go to College.  He started the summer semester right out of high school, took a job at the college, and finished in one more year and summer, receiving his degree approaching the age of 18.  He was 2 years younger than any others in his classes, and today, would have been called a “geek”.  He roomed with older guys, and while he dated a high school girl, he was an avid fan to the older guys telling their tales of conquest.   He has a genius level IQ.. He felt like a country bumpkin, and avoided people knowing about his family or home.  I also knew nothing about his background even when we married.

But we have been married 67 years by now, as of last fall, 2011.  I found that the party time fun and games values and intentions were coming from my husband, but more from “the guys” and what had seemed to be what he thought was “being a real man.”.   Not out of the child he had been, but with that childhood very much left behind on purpose, perhaps as if the doors were closed on some of the memories. It was from the way of life for “the guys”, his college buddies, the military friends of World War Two, and by the time my guiding dream came, it was another group from some of the guys at work, most of them still single.  Our home could be like Grand Central Station for the guys, and party time was when someone brought snacks and drinks.  Every Saturday night the house would be full of guys.  I had liked the attention, really, they all seemed to like me very much, and Art was showing me off.  BUT.

But it was a problem for me.  I was a wife and a mother by then, trying to be and do what was needed and wanted by others.  We still lived near my family, and I was often brought in to their difficulties.  I needed to become sure of my own priorities, think through my own decisions.  But, I was pulled and pushed every which way.

I did start to make a list of things that had bothered me each day, and yet I did not understand why had been upset about it.   But, with a few weeks lists, then going back over it, there were the same things over and over.  And, I found I simply could not remember what actually had been said or done.  Something was going wrong between my husband and me, and especially when the guys were there.  I will not try to say what it was now, but next time.   But, it was then that I began to wake up in the morning, not necessarily remembering a dream, but having an insight, or an answer to what it was and why it had bothered me, and maybe what to say or do about it.  I often did not dare to say or do anything, but when I did, it either helped a lot or it was reason for my husband to be far more upset with me, immediately.  But, I knew or could begin to see what button I had pushed for him, when I had not ever seen this before.  I did realize, after this waking up with an answer had gone on awhile, it was as if my list was a prayer, and what I had in mind in the morning was like an answer to a prayer.  This was enough of a shock to realize this that I get goose pimples now, just telling you about it.  It was that what I allowed to come up to my mind from my deepest inner needs, from my heart, was what God heard as my prayer, not words, not repeated learned things to say, and nothing like many things I had been taught about prayer.

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