The Library Dream in 1952 *7th in series

                          The Library Dream  1952

My earlier self-reflective dream had seemed to be one of a kind; I had no idea another would follow. I was pregnant, and had totally decided to stay with my husband, or go home to my parents.  And, my husband did want me to stay, even though he was struggling with his feelings about our life so far.  I had begun to write a list of little things that bothered me during the day, so I would take time to think about them later. Most involved my husband and our relationship, and had been happening all along, from when we were first married. But, I found that even though I had jotted it down, I could not remember what had been said or done. I had a few words, a general idea of the kind of thing it had been, but nothing I could actually remember. I had begun to understand the cultural way there was a double standard for men and for women.  But, I had not realized the impact of being put on a pedestal or feeling guilty as I did then, and that neither is who I am.  This really puzzled me. But, I began to get some answers. The same general kinds of things bothered me, and happened over and over. I did not know if it was me taking it wrong, or if it really was from what was being done or said. I was sometimes told it was just me taking it wrong, misunderstanding. I think I will be fair and say it was both. But, for my part, I had no adequate responses.

I began to realize that these answers I was getting were like answers to prayer. I had not prayed, but I had certainly been wondering. All I had ever seen or heard of prayer seemed to be rote, repeating words, or had been like my grandmother’s judgmental pronouncements. But, now ideas of how to respond, what to say or what to do were coming to mind with a kind of inner assurance that it would be the necessary and right way to go. There was a kind of energy too, an inner strength, a power, which I had not really known I had. Very soon after, I had the next dream. I called it the Library dream.

There was a room like the library in my high school, and I was alone there, looking in books. But, all the pages were blank. I put books back and pulled out others. But, time after time, all the pages were blank. After a while, I pulled out several books, and felt for the wall behind, and found that there was a void, a dark and empty place back there for as far as I could reach. This wall of the books was the same as the side of our current home and life that I had not looked at in the previous dream. But, at that time, I did not connect the two dreams. I went to the door way on that side, and went out into the hall, to find out about that void behind the books. But, the wall was normal, it was just a hallway, and there was no space there behind the books. I came back in the library and looked around. There was the dark study hall on the end, (comparable to the place I had entered and left the first dream). That wall between the study hall and the library was all windows, but not much light went in from there to the study hall.

And on the other end, there was a closed door (above the end where I had seen the spider in the purple light and cobweb room in the first dream.) That door would have gone into the actual room where I had taken Latin and French. That was a solid wall with a door, but no windows were there.

On the opposite side from the books, there were all windows. I went to look out. These, I called windows on the world, but it was on the same side as the many rooms where I had seen things I remembered going on from my childhood, in the first dream.  I was on the second floor, a level higher than ground level. But, out there, through open windows, I could see fields being mowed, I could see the sunshine, smell freshly mowed grass, and hear birds and the hum of life going on all around the place. This side of the dream was in full color, and all the rest of the dream was in black and white.

In the library it was quiet. I went back to the books, and sat looking at the blank page of one. I kept thinking about it, and finally, I thought, well, what was I trying to look up anyway? What is my question, what should I ask? At that, the words suddenly appeared on the page, “now you have asked the right question” and I heard music, the only sound I heard there at all. I felt that this was more about prayer, how to pray, how to ask my questions, when I did not know what to ask, and had no words for what was going on in my life. I again looked at other books, and all were normal again, all filled with whatever the titles said they were. But not answers to my questions.

After the dream kept on, without ending, I decided to go into the study hall and look around. I had to open the door, and turn the lights on. There were windows all along the left-hand side of the room, but no light came in through them. In real life, the seats had all faced the front, away from the library, but in this dream, I saw a back seat with a little girl asleep, facing the library. I realized it was myself. I was going to try to wake her up, and could not. But, as I attempted it, the wall by the hallway, the same side as the books had been, began to light up somewhat and I saw several old women looking on from the upper part of the wall. They seemed to claim to be her guardian angels, but they looked a lot like those old women at the church. It was no one I knew, and not my ancestors.

They protested about my opening the door and turning the light on. They cautioned me to keep quiet, and not try to disturb her. They said they were protecting her. I told them, in a very kind way, appreciating all they had been doing, that it was time for her to wake up now. She had been asleep long enough, and had to wake up to her life now. They did not want to hear this. I felt they had harmed her, really, but maybe not, and they had meant well. I tried to thank them, and to tell them she had to be on her own now. I felt that they would have to do as I said. They still could look on, but not interfere, as meaning so very well, they would have done.  As I left the room, I left the door open and the light on, but I had not been able to wake the girl up. The outer windows were still darkened.

Back in the library, the dream still seemed to go on, so I went to the other end of the room, and opened the door into the room where I had studied languages. In there, in a far larger space than the room had actually been, I saw scientists, men and women, performing all sorts of experiments. Some were being done on animals and humans, like vivisection, all in the name of truth or knowledge. Surgery was being performed just to learn from it. It was cruel and unnecessary, sometimes causing death or disfigurement. These people did not seem to know how to pray, nor did they want to.   They were putting the search for knowledge above their own humanity, and seemed to not have humane feelings for others at all. I walked around and looked at what they were doing, and became more and more horrified and afraid. They did not seem to be aware of me being there, but I was afraid they might become aware of me. There was some incident of my picking up a pail, and moving it, and being noticed. It seemed to have no meaning, except that they could realize I was there looking on. I slowly and quietly left and shut the door firmly behind me. I did realize that at some later time, I would probably have to open that door, at some level. That ended the dream.

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