My Worst Nightmare Started Again, * 26 in the series.


MY WORST NIGHTMARE STARTED AGAIN.

Actually, before this nightmare started again  I had vacationed back home to visit my family alone.  I had dreamed that my brother had come to my bedroom door and was about to pound on it in anger.  I woke up thinking I had heard him pounding on the door, but all was quiet.  In my dream, I saw him with the head of a wildcat.  The next day I told him about this dream, and he showed me a semi-concealed hole in the wall beside the door, where he had put his fist through it in anger, at some recent time.  He said he had been that angry with Dad and left the hole there without repair, to remind him of his anger, and his intention to never lose his temper like that again.

On this same vacation, I also had dreamed that Mother had invited me, as a child, to come with her to pick some lilacs to take to Church with us.  This was such a privilege, that I was thrilled about it.  But, as we went to a wild lilac bush out back of the barn, I stepped in some cow manure.  When she realized it, she was furious.  Here she had all four of us ready for Church, and now they would be delayed and late as she had to clean me up and get me changed.  In her fury, I saw her poised over me turning into a huge snake, with her mouth open, ready to “bite my head off”.

I also dreamed that I was left with a small wildcat and a small snake with me, and I dug a shallow hole outside the back door and left them in it.  It had not seemed to have any effect as far as my brother or mother were concerned.   In fact, I thought probably something like that, with my stepping in manure, had probably happened at one time or another.  No wonder she had been angry.  It was as if I had this pictured snake and wildcat, and had no idea what to do with them, but in fact, I was somewhat condemning about the anger.  It was how I put it down and left it behind.

Once I was back home after this vacation, and after the recurring nightmare had started again, I dreamed that I saw this tornado coming in from above.  At first, it was disturbing for my worst nightmare to start up again.  But, I realized it was time to find out what it meant.

I saw an Indian Village on the site, and an atrocity take place between them and a man who came with the intention to be a missionary.  But, it was in the earliest years of white men and contact with the natives.  The white man was put to death.  But, an undeclared war seemed to be going on between Indians and white men, at the time.   I also saw a log cabin up the hill from where we lived, with our old farm house not there yet.  I saw the cabin burned down by Indians who were leaving the area.

The next time I talked with my brother, I asked him if there was ever a sign of remains of an early cabin up the road.  He said yes, that when the neighbor put in a sawmill, they found the charred remains of some place that had burned down.  It was right where I had dreamed I had seen the cabin burn.  And, all of that land is now the site of an archeological dig.  There was an Indian settlement there before white men took over the land.

But, I next dreamed that I saw the medicine man of this tribe put a curse on at the site of the spring from which the water came for those living in that place.  He did this as they left the area, and they left because all of the women refused to stay after the death of the missionary.  The medicine man  was wearing a headdress representative of a wildcat as he put this curse in place.   He was full of terrible anger, and revenge, and destructive intention.

In format to the dream I just described as the Crucifixion dream, the storm came in from the Spirit side, and the curse was made at the spring, which would have been on the side where the old man came in with such anger.  The children would have been in the back yard, and the house standing where the dreamed boxy house had been.

I tried then to go to the outer limits of the swirling storm, seeing it from above, and at that outer edge, I tried to start good energies to swirl back in, to eventually neutralize this curse.  It seemed to work.  But, I had the impression, that if it had been in effect for 300 years or more by then, it would take that long to undo those effects.   I felt that it showed that my family had been under a residual effect of this curse for as long as we had lived there, and anyone else who lived there before us.   Later, our farmhouse burned down, and was replaced by a mobile home on higher ground, under which no Indian Settlement had ever stood.  And, they put in a well, and no longer used the spring water.  But, if it was to take the full 300 years, only 50 of it have passed by the time of writing this..

I came to believe that this curse did exist, and in what I had seen from above, it had not extended to the area where my grandparents lived five miles away.  I still picture the process of it being mitigated to be continuing on.

But, still later, I had one more dream that followed along from all of this.   Not all of my dreams are real; I dream garbage stuff, and the spinning off of the thoughts from the day, also.  But, many dreams have had a reality to them.  I would think most people would have an idea of what this difference is.

This time I realized, in my dream that I had left the wildcat and snake in the shallow pit in the back yard of the old farmhouse.  What if it was an actual aspect of either my brother or my mother?  Or even just a way I had condemned them for something that might have been the influence of that curse, and not their own intentions anyway?  What if they both had that dangerously bad temper from the place we lived in, even if none of the rest of us had it?   In the dream I was back there, saw the shallow pit, and the tiny wildcat and snake still in it.

I went into it myself, and began to dig dirt from the center of it with my hands to make a ramp up the side, so the small creatures could get out.  But, I dug through a hole in the bottom of my shallow pit, and we all began to fall into a much deeper pit.   In my dreams, I fell for all the time of my dreams for the next three nights.  It seemed more universal, where all condemning intent would put someone.  We all fell more like leaves falling, not like some heavy rock falling.  We fluttered down and down.  I saw the snake flutter to a spiral path winding along the east side of the pit, the children’s side, and when it landed, it was my mother in an anger she had tried to renounce.  A little farther down, I saw the wildcat land on a spiral path at the west, the spirit’s side,  and become my brother in an anger he had tried to renounce.  Both seemed to be ok there, with a way back up already under their feet in the direction they were headed, yet both were headed to the south, or toward the mind, and toward a review of their lives.  Mother was dead by then, but my brother was not.

Yet I still fell down and down.  It closed in on me, still with a spiral path back up, but it also got darker and darker.  It did not get any colder or hotter.  All along, beings like leaves falling landed on the path back up, but there was no one else that I knew.

When I landed at the bottom, it was dark, but I still had some light, which seemed to come from myself, from my own body.  I was totally alone in the bottom of a well, maybe 8 feet in diameter, and round.  The way up was seen from there, but the path got wider and wider going up, and lighter and lighter.  I felt everyone on the path was OK.   I did not see myself on the path; this was at the bottom and the center of this pit.   I was alone there.

But, in the dim light I saw only the shadows of more figures falling like leaves, and I thought they were beings who had never lived, never been human, never alive, but they had this potential same as I had it.  Thousands of them fell in there with me, but they seemed not to take up any space.  It never was crowded down there.  I did not actually see the beings who had fallen, only their shadows from the light emanating from me.  Finally, no more of them continued to fall in there with me.  I had no idea what to do; I could not communicate with them or anything.

But, suddenly, I had a cup of water in my hand, and I poured it over my head and let it also run down over everyone and everything in there with me. I said words aloud, meaning I shared my baptism with them, I would forever be willing to be their ancestor, for whenever they could begin to live.  They were not abandoned or forgotten.

I still think this is a bottoming out kind of thing we all must come to in our own ways, not unique to me.  Just in being alive, we can be ancestors or teachers, examples to others, or just helpers, to those who follow us.   This dream seemed to mean to do this willingly, and to do it as best we can.  I said yes to something then.

With that, the floor became warm and lighted.  It was a mass of tiny honeycomb containers, and the unseen beings each went into one of the little honeycomb tubes, as if they became just a visible fertile seed in every container.  After they all were in these, and I alone was still outside, the honeycomb tubes all sealed up, exactly as if with clear wax, but they stayed lighted and warm there.  It was in no way a hell at the bottom of this pit, it was more like a womb for them each and all.

Falling all the way to the bottom seemed to be the more universal way to realize that if I am comdemning others, I am a human being too. I can lose my temper too, and I am condemning myself just as much as I am condemning any one else.  We may not kn0w all the pressures someone is under.

And if someone has lost their way, it has been from the difficulty of their lives,and the influences on them.  They started out as innocent children, one and all.   I have to allow for this, but in turn, it applies for me as well.  We are all forever given a fresh start, if and when we need it, and can be ready for it.  Our potential is never lost.  For me, it seemed to be a fresh start then.  Leaving from where it had seemed to be at the bottom of a pit, I was merely at ground level, and it was a time of a fresh start for our whole family soon enough.  For me it seemed like starting Kindergarten 101.

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