Wrapping up my lessons in life, or so it seems.


Well, I am  on the mend.  Not by a  heck of a lot, but I can see that it is More my resentment as I continue on and on, by my own intentions and decisions, to do as my husband seems to need, want and expect, and for me not to hurt his feelings, or upset him to anger or blame, or sullen resistance to even anything I do or say, outside of what he wants, seems to need, and expect.  I do feel that saying this is exaggerated, but only because it is not constant, it is only when things do not go his way.  He  used to give me the silent treatment for about 3 days, once it started, and he gets over it sooner, maybe only one day or less, going to bed, going to work that way, and sometimes still when he comes home from work, or when he gets up in the morning.  He does get over it sooner.  But, what great praise is that? 

 

The Chiropractor does in fact, help me  physically, but if I lose it, it is not overwork so much as resentment for it being expected, when I still DO OVERWORK.  I  have to realize it is my life, really, my life on the line, and my body and health, and I have control over this, and my husband does not.  I also have no control over how he feels, acts, takes it as harm being done to him and what he seems to need, and want, and expect.   Even though, it is expressed as “how I made him feel”, and just a misunderstanding, and a need to understand each other on this one point, this one time.  Not really for what I see for myself as what I should and can do for and with him, and what I should not, even if I can, each time, that one more time, by overwork and not taking care for my own life, health, and body.  

 

I also will have an evaluation for physical therapy on Wed. morning, June 19th, 2013 after at first my husband was refusing to change his schedule of going to work, and my having the car, now we are down to one car.  Now, seeing my instant improvement, and subsequent overwork again, earlier this week, he is insisting he drive me to this PT, not that I use the (HIS) car.  But plans for later appointments, perhaps twice a week, are still to be planned.  I WILL drive myself.  He can adjust his schedule, even if whatever drive he has to make it be a 40 hour week, and to not inconvenience his customers, seems so imperative for him.  

 

He is truly afraid for me to drive.  My car was totalled 3 or more years ago, a truck hit my car, as the driver had sped out of the nearest parking lot to where I had just started up from my stop sign.  But, my husband believed it was my fault, even if the investigating officer gave us both tickets, and only I had the stop sign.   The officer told me to  protest the ticket, and he would have the parking lot surveillance video to show for me by  then.   But, I had never been in court before, and with my husband there with me, he was so rigidly upset about it all, that I only paid a fine and did not find out how to protest it, when it was offered as a sudden announcement to go to some other location.  My lack of confidence in knowing what to do or how to do  it, left me hesitant.  Just paying the fine put it to an end.  BUT, in a strange way, this was an eye opener for me, then, to being blamed when it was not my fault, and the attitudes and feelings that were behind it, all too familiar in my life.

 

This too, led to me to see the pattern of a lifetime, much more clearly, and not dismiss it as a single misunderstanding time after time.  It also led to me seeing the deterioration for my husband with his decreasing competence, his loss of memory, and his increasing need for there to be nothing changed or unexpected to happen.  Yet the pattern had been there all along.

 

So, still have to figure out what to do differently, when, for my own health and life, I have to make changes.  He will not understand or like it.  But, how can I do this and not so he will be affected so as to add to his worsening condition.  

 

I have written this, into my journal, prayerfully,  as if it could be shared, when I probably cannot and must not share it and invite much advice, when I only need to put it out there in so many words, and get my own spirit, soul, heart and mind working as a whole for what is best to do.  I do not want others to feel sorry for me, this was my life’s lessons, all wrapping up by now.  I do not want someone to fix me, So why tell it at all, —–unless others have their own lessons in life, and also get in a spot like this, and find it  is up to them on what is best to do next.  Prayer helps, even if it just is how I get to  put body, mind, soul, and spirit on  the same focus now.  And, who will react to that, because I pray, and expect it to help me, as it always has?  Yes, I will share this, and again, maybe feel I must delete it later.

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