Response to someone who has their own similar self discoveries.

This is appreciated and will be shared.  I did have 3 to 4 years following each  guiding dream, which went as if the dream had a lot of info for me in a nutshell, and it took me that long to realize and to apply, discover, all it meant to me, each time.  I did not need help, it would have added confusion.  When I first read Jung, it was as if it was the greatest affirmation possible to me,  in that what I had experienced in my own life was known, and spelled out in how it had worked for others. 
But, to mention one thing more, when I told my husband how much it meant to me, he responded that I read one book and think I know all that the author was talking about.  He did not believe dreams  could  be guiding for anyone, and this was more like superstition. But, in time, I understood more of his early trauma, with a father who had mental illness, and eventual electrical shock treatments back in the early 1930’s.  It was never spoken of, but buried and denied.  I only found out that history from his mother after we were married, and his father had died.  I came to feel that my husband would rather have died than ever go  back over the childhood trauma.  Still true today, but on the everyday surface, we do well.  Married 68 years, and we belonged together for what we both were and still are as loving challenges to each other.  
I feel that the first dreams led to inner impressions surfacing to me, as if like a spring starting to flow, and washing out muck for that long, until it ran clear and clean.  With that, I dreamed as if my spirit looked on from above, and connected to my life, my body, my mind, my soul, as if I had not known they were mine, and yet, living my life, I had felt it was all  that I was, and my spirit was only waking up then, and in a way, more directive into my life.  It was not like what most glowingly describe as spiritual. It was  as if I was  separated in body, mind, soul and spirit, not even working as one, and discovering that I was of a whole, after all.  yet in conflict within those aspects of myself.
For ongoing dreams, it was as if I had come half way by then, and the rest was far more educational, or integrative within my own aspects which each functioned so differently.  It also was as if a spiritual window had opened, or a spiritual point of view and perspective increased.  Not ever intentional, but as if it was sort of gradually coming to be natural, as it never had seemed to be, before. Yet, as you say, there were the remembered experiences, as if it had been in my awareness, but I did not notice it that much or remember it that much.  It was as if new impressions then, also had remembered experiences to verify things like it earlier in my life, when I could still ask my parents if those things really had happened.  
It did go on as if the spiritual impressions still came after 1964, and the series of guiding  dreams seemed to have completed.  These still go on.  but, it is this that is most difficult to share, unless someone else can connect to things like it. 
It is here that it seems that the things to be seen, felt, glimpsed, are only from my single point of view.  If  someone else really can share, as different as what we have glimpsed seems to be, we get into Religion, what God is like, what prayer is, knowing we only see in part, and into a concept that with a  partner I came to call Structure and Process, of the development of our functioning into our fuller potentials.  
Structure and process seems to be the part of what we all learn, in being human, and in waking up to being spiritual beings too, in which it is the same for each and all of us.  But, the individual point of view is more and more distinct, and different, and in part—that is seeing in glimpses, knowing that there is so much more to it.  But in our differences, if we can share it, we all see into a more eternal and real spiritual aspect of our existence and potentials, and  we can only enlighten and add to what another sees in their own way.  All such differences are to be valued, and not taken to be contradictions to one another.  
I do read, but I found after 1964, or maybe later than that, I needed to be sure of my own impressions, meanings, experienced visions, first, and only then, add to it from others, not letting my own ideas and concepts be contradicted or dismissed.  I think, with my husbands doubts for any such ideas from me, I had to learn to not let them be undermined and lost.  It is not that I know, or have all the answers, instead, it is as if the more I have seen or glimpsed, the far greater is my sense of there being so much more that is still unknown, and perhaps unknowable now. 
For that reason, I do not dive in and read everything I can get my hands on at once, I take it in gradually, and do not let it take away my own sense of a spiritual reality.  It can increase it, always, then.  I learned this with a partner as we recommended and loaned books to each other, and both of us had to state and share our views so far, first, and then read what was seemingly more on the same subject, even if we were slow  to read what each of us sent to the other.  
I realize, now I have written this, I might as well put it in as a next blog.  Most of my blogs were written to someone else, first.  It says more than I have been able to put in words before.  Thank you for being someone I could write it to.  Sending to my journal too.

Lesson being learned.

There is a poster that rightly tells us to not let our feelings of love, empathy or compassion be used to manipulate us, and make us a slave to the expectations of others.

Added to this, the flip side is demonstrated in a Charley Brown cartoon. He is scratching Snoopy’s head, but when his arm tires, Snoopy wants him to go on scratching his head, so he does. Soon enough, he begins to resent that the dog is asking so much of him, not aware or caring how tired his arm is getting. He begins to feel that he is just the kind of guy everyone will take advantage of.

But, when we do this, we started it and let it be taken for granted, and only we can speak up and draw the line on what we are willing to do. I must admit, this has my own lesson in it. If I cannot do it all, only I can do something about it.

And what do I take for granted, as if I expect it without asking, or saying thank you??  Yes. lots of things.

This is my actual lesson of here and now, and I will be a little more wise and squared away once I learn it well enough.

It is not out of lovely ideas, it is realizing our mistakes and doing better, never perfect, and realizing it. It is also spiritual, and after each lesson, it is as if a spiritual kind of awareness has deepened, and as if God helped me learn this, if I will only realize it.

Wrapping up my lessons in life, or so it seems.

Well, I am  on the mend.  Not by a  heck of a lot, but I can see that it is More my resentment as I continue on and on, by my own intentions and decisions, to do as my husband seems to need, want and expect, and for me not to hurt his feelings, or upset him to anger or blame, or sullen resistance to even anything I do or say, outside of what he wants, seems to need, and expect.  I do feel that saying this is exaggerated, but only because it is not constant, it is only when things do not go his way.  He  used to give me the silent treatment for about 3 days, once it started, and he gets over it sooner, maybe only one day or less, going to bed, going to work that way, and sometimes still when he comes home from work, or when he gets up in the morning.  He does get over it sooner.  But, what great praise is that? 


The Chiropractor does in fact, help me  physically, but if I lose it, it is not overwork so much as resentment for it being expected, when I still DO OVERWORK.  I  have to realize it is my life, really, my life on the line, and my body and health, and I have control over this, and my husband does not.  I also have no control over how he feels, acts, takes it as harm being done to him and what he seems to need, and want, and expect.   Even though, it is expressed as “how I made him feel”, and just a misunderstanding, and a need to understand each other on this one point, this one time.  Not really for what I see for myself as what I should and can do for and with him, and what I should not, even if I can, each time, that one more time, by overwork and not taking care for my own life, health, and body.  


I also will have an evaluation for physical therapy on Wed. morning, June 19th, 2013 after at first my husband was refusing to change his schedule of going to work, and my having the car, now we are down to one car.  Now, seeing my instant improvement, and subsequent overwork again, earlier this week, he is insisting he drive me to this PT, not that I use the (HIS) car.  But plans for later appointments, perhaps twice a week, are still to be planned.  I WILL drive myself.  He can adjust his schedule, even if whatever drive he has to make it be a 40 hour week, and to not inconvenience his customers, seems so imperative for him.  


He is truly afraid for me to drive.  My car was totalled 3 or more years ago, a truck hit my car, as the driver had sped out of the nearest parking lot to where I had just started up from my stop sign.  But, my husband believed it was my fault, even if the investigating officer gave us both tickets, and only I had the stop sign.   The officer told me to  protest the ticket, and he would have the parking lot surveillance video to show for me by  then.   But, I had never been in court before, and with my husband there with me, he was so rigidly upset about it all, that I only paid a fine and did not find out how to protest it, when it was offered as a sudden announcement to go to some other location.  My lack of confidence in knowing what to do or how to do  it, left me hesitant.  Just paying the fine put it to an end.  BUT, in a strange way, this was an eye opener for me, then, to being blamed when it was not my fault, and the attitudes and feelings that were behind it, all too familiar in my life.


This too, led to me to see the pattern of a lifetime, much more clearly, and not dismiss it as a single misunderstanding time after time.  It also led to me seeing the deterioration for my husband with his decreasing competence, his loss of memory, and his increasing need for there to be nothing changed or unexpected to happen.  Yet the pattern had been there all along.


So, still have to figure out what to do differently, when, for my own health and life, I have to make changes.  He will not understand or like it.  But, how can I do this and not so he will be affected so as to add to his worsening condition.  


I have written this, into my journal, prayerfully,  as if it could be shared, when I probably cannot and must not share it and invite much advice, when I only need to put it out there in so many words, and get my own spirit, soul, heart and mind working as a whole for what is best to do.  I do not want others to feel sorry for me, this was my life’s lessons, all wrapping up by now.  I do not want someone to fix me, So why tell it at all, —–unless others have their own lessons in life, and also get in a spot like this, and find it  is up to them on what is best to do next.  Prayer helps, even if it just is how I get to  put body, mind, soul, and spirit on  the same focus now.  And, who will react to that, because I pray, and expect it to help me, as it always has?  Yes, I will share this, and again, maybe feel I must delete it later.

The Lord’s Prayer for today, for myself.

I have laundry in drier, and another load to go in next.  All done washing though.  I hope I can tell you how I feel, it does seem questionable, and it can be illuminating, I do not know right now.  I usually talk or write, and even  pray, and work my way to feeling better, but today, wonder if it is like explaining it away, whether that is for finding the truth or not.  

If I had any dreams last night or the night before, I think I was angry over something that seemed important to me, whether it really was or not.  I was laying down the law to someone, or to myself,  to anyone crossing my path, and I did not know if this was valid or not.  I did not know what it was about, or who else might be involved.  

I did paraphrase the Lord’s prayer, before my sleep, elaborating in every way possible.

Our Father,       our creators, mother and father to us all, and creators of all that exists.

Who Art In Heaven,      who are beyond us totally, but who love each of us as a child of God, and want the best for us, not only as we may think and want,  but as you know we need.

Hallowed Be Thy Name.       We are told to fear and worship  you, obey, and to love you, yet I feel  you want  us to grow and develop beyond children just doing as we are told, since we are also being told what to do on all sides of  us, we are asked to fear, or worship, and love, anyone and everyone, looking up to many and down on others we are to love and help.  Seldom just with others in equal ways.

But, what if I feel you are truly more my mother and father to me as a spiritual child.  You do not want worship, praise, fear, adulation, or for me to see you as so far beyond me and my life as to be just an ideal or image of some kind.  It is easy to see an image and think it is perfect, never changing.  But, to know of, and relate to a Living God, Mother and Father, you are responsive  and that is changing according to need, and what our development needs to be, and any next step for us to take.  Like our learning to walk, or to talk. or to tie our own shoelaces.

If  you are living, loving, and responsive to us, you are not to be feared, revered, worshiped, praised constantly, you are to be listened to, felt, answered, and even asked our questions, and to hear our fears, then, we can be guided and led, and assisted as you might see our need, and we can merely accept it because it is offered to  us.

Thy Kingdom Come,    do you relate to us as a King, to subjects, or as a King, to children being brought up to rule?  Do you favor some of us, as privileged over others, or do you give  up on any of us as failures, losers, as far as giving us all the same potentials?

I can only believe we are all given the same promises, and you have the same hopes for all of us, myself included.  No one abandoned, no one with more value to you than any other one of us.

Or are  you bringing up all of us as  your spiritual children, to be the human beings we can become, in our different and individual ways?  What is your hope for our Human world, is it to be  your Kingdom, or is it to be what we can value and love and relate to as our home?  And in this, be what your creating intention and effort, wanted it to be.

Thy Will Be Done.      I can ask, if and when you guide us, is it for how we are to grow up as human men and women, as different as we each are?

On Earth      and for  us to take care of our world as the garden and home you have given us?  To value what is of benefit to one another, and to refuse to do that which is so easily done to take advantage of one another?  I see this more as what  you want in our world and our lives.  I want this too.  I feel we all want this, really.

Yet, Evil and selfish needs, are contagious.  If we are in groups which benefit at the cost to others, no individual in the group would do this on their own, but because it is a group, no one can rise above the common denominator that empowers the group to go on and  on in the same ways.  If we are in groups which want to feel superior, wanting  only to help others, but not needing help in return, this too is contagious, and we do things in the name of  the group, that we would not do on our own.  We need to know our own hearts in relation  to you, if we are to escape that contagion which has infected  us all. There are only those who all feel they are the good guys, seeing others to be the bad guys the world over.  Heal us of this war, or taking sides in it, and help us be the individuals we can be, growing up as is our potential.

As It Is In Heaven.      We say this and do not know what it means.  It seems to be where the angels must be, yet they are at war with spiritual evil in our world, and claim it to be your war.  This is a war fought in our world, through us taking part in it, when it is not our war, and not your war either.  It is a war fought from outside of our world, with our world as its battle ground.  I cannot see Heaven, being like that, as a place of perfection, even if those in it are innocent of knowing why they are at war.  I will only say, as you have in mind for us, as  you want for us, and for Heaven to be as  you have in mind, and as  you want.  Not as we imagine or have been told, when we do not really know.

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread.     This we do pray, with humans not living by bread alone, but by every impression, sight, sound, feeling,  that can come to us from deeply within ourselves, in relating to what speaks to us from within.   I feel  it is from you.

And Forgive Us Our Sins, or Debts, or Trespasses,      for we are your spiritual children, living in bodies here on earth, given to us as our home, not knowing and often not able to grow up as  you have given  us the potential to grow up, and often not aware of you, not realizing that we can relate to you.  Finding it even impossible to cope in the difficulties that we are hit by, and influenced by and do not understand.  Forgive us that we fail, that we try —or fail to try,

As We Forgive those who have Sins, Debts, Trespasses Against Us.      We lose hope and faith and trust in you, your guidance, and in our own potential and even in trusting ourselves.  We carry guilt blame, fear, when we can do nothing to make things better. Help us to know we are forgiven, even before we ask. Help us to forgive others, even when they too, cannot make it better again. Help us to go on from where we are now, and not yearn only for what we imagine or remember as once being better.  

Lead Us Not Into Temptation,      or allow Temptations to come  upon us without our knowledge, when they surround us on all sides, and in what is presented to us as being for good, well meant, to help us, or loving.    Also, constantly  being presented to us as how to be a real man or how to be what a woman should and can be, or to be loved, or attractive.  It only makes us dissatisfied with the way we are,  even when we are doing the best we can.

But Deliver Us From Evil.      Even if we have gone wrong in ways we chose, knowing it was wrong, or  did not see as wrong, we ask you as parents to children, to let us know, stop us, lead  us in another direction, and as we can learn, help us learn better.  I do not feel or see you being the punishing vengeful parents that our ancestors feared, or as human parents, in frustration  or  belief, may have seemed to be to  us.    I see  you as forgiving and loving, and giving us a fresh start as many times as we may need it.  Help us to see this in our lives, the fresh start we always can have, in small ways, and to value it, and not stay bitter about our losses.  Even life will be lost, when the potential still goes on for us, in ways we cannot know now.

I can believe, if you expect the most of us, and we do not know we are capable of it, you may have to protect us and deliver us far more than we realize, and maybe have done so all along, but maybe we do need to know this as we go along, now.  We are protected, you do not and never  have led us into temptation, and  you do and have delivered  us from evil, all along.

Yet, in a way, it seems to be a law in life, that what we do toward others will reflect back to ourselves, for good, and for harm, not as a punishment or a reward, but only as an insight or a lesson to learn.

For Thine Is The Kingdom,    it is your garden, your world, that we live in, and which supports us in our life.  It is a gift beyond price or deserving, and it is not a Rule and Law over us, it is the gift of parents to their own children, which we can only value and appreciate and care for.  It is  your Garden, your world given to us.  Freely at no cost to us.  The cost is and has been yours, not our own,  in more ways than we can ever know.

And the Power,    when even our life is supported out of the earth, our water, our air, which we did not create, and do not take care of very well.  When even the energy with which we think, and care, and sense our relationships and environment, is empowered out of the way our lives are in fact supported all the time, by the energy of living.

Even our concept of what is spiritual is formed by our minds and hearts, and the energy of living supports it all.  We rarely experience what is truly spiritual, realizing it, but it is always so.   If we were not spiritual children first, we would not be here in living bodies learning how to grow up.

 And The Glory,      which is beyond the created world and sun, and air and water and life we have all around us, and the human potential, which is so marvelous and beyond our own realizations, all of it glorious.

Forever and Ever.      We are aware within our own science, that there may have been a beginning  or can be an end, to the universes which are revealed in our stars,  yet we do not begin to know how it, or we came into being.  We only know that here we are, with all this around us.  We seem to live lives of birth to death, and yet humanity itself develops and grows, as our individual spiritual concepts may also develop and grow, or not, for so many of us.  And as we each as individuals can develop and grow, or not, also, when it gets so difficult.  Yet the idea of eternity is one we all know about, wonder about, and have to think of  as being as much beyond our understanding as to have a Mother and Father, who are divine, yet who created all that is, including  us.



Conclusion to this blog.

I deleted the last few posts of my blog, and feel that they were superfluous to the actual experiences I wanted to share.  I find that many subscribers to this are no longer following here.  I assume it is a divergence of our directions.  I see only 16 still following, and conclude that this is a time to end the attempt to say more.   There are still 66 posts, many earlier ones were rewritten later, into the numbered last posts.

In a way, I have never really communicated my inner reality about body, soul, mind and  spirit, with development and integration, and doing this with a structure and process that is much the same for us all.  Yet, it is so variable a process, that we each find our own way to go, and cannot follow the way anyone else has gone, or would teach or show us.

Yet I feel that the divergence of directions comes from many teachers, and many would  be followers, when  we need to help and let others find their own way, as we must for ourselves.   I believe in God, our creator,  but not in any definition or religion..   I believe in our potential.  I do not believe spirit is all, or love is all.  Those ideas are true enough, but not all there is.

We  have bodies, we live lives, there is a hereafter, and it is all equally important to our existence.

We are not going back to just a spiritual existence, that is how we started.

It remains the truth but there is so much more.  Experience it for yourself, and do not search for any ones goal or ideal, not even your own.  Discover who you are and can become.

No one needs to hear what this means to me.   Thanks for having read my messages.  I wish you well.


My Worst Nightmare Started Again, * 26 in the series.


Actually, before this nightmare started again  I had vacationed back home to visit my family alone.  I had dreamed that my brother had come to my bedroom door and was about to pound on it in anger.  I woke up thinking I had heard him pounding on the door, but all was quiet.  In my dream, I saw him with the head of a wildcat.  The next day I told him about this dream, and he showed me a semi-concealed hole in the wall beside the door, where he had put his fist through it in anger, at some recent time.  He said he had been that angry with Dad and left the hole there without repair, to remind him of his anger, and his intention to never lose his temper like that again.

On this same vacation, I also had dreamed that Mother had invited me, as a child, to come with her to pick some lilacs to take to Church with us.  This was such a privilege, that I was thrilled about it.  But, as we went to a wild lilac bush out back of the barn, I stepped in some cow manure.  When she realized it, she was furious.  Here she had all four of us ready for Church, and now they would be delayed and late as she had to clean me up and get me changed.  In her fury, I saw her poised over me turning into a huge snake, with her mouth open, ready to “bite my head off”.

I also dreamed that I was left with a small wildcat and a small snake with me, and I dug a shallow hole outside the back door and left them in it.  It had not seemed to have any effect as far as my brother or mother were concerned.   In fact, I thought probably something like that, with my stepping in manure, had probably happened at one time or another.  No wonder she had been angry.  It was as if I had this pictured snake and wildcat, and had no idea what to do with them, but in fact, I was somewhat condemning about the anger.  It was how I put it down and left it behind.

Once I was back home after this vacation, and after the recurring nightmare had started again, I dreamed that I saw this tornado coming in from above.  At first, it was disturbing for my worst nightmare to start up again.  But, I realized it was time to find out what it meant.

I saw an Indian Village on the site, and an atrocity take place between them and a man who came with the intention to be a missionary.  But, it was in the earliest years of white men and contact with the natives.  The white man was put to death.  But, an undeclared war seemed to be going on between Indians and white men, at the time.   I also saw a log cabin up the hill from where we lived, with our old farm house not there yet.  I saw the cabin burned down by Indians who were leaving the area.

The next time I talked with my brother, I asked him if there was ever a sign of remains of an early cabin up the road.  He said yes, that when the neighbor put in a sawmill, they found the charred remains of some place that had burned down.  It was right where I had dreamed I had seen the cabin burn.  And, all of that land is now the site of an archeological dig.  There was an Indian settlement there before white men took over the land.

But, I next dreamed that I saw the medicine man of this tribe put a curse on at the site of the spring from which the water came for those living in that place.  He did this as they left the area, and they left because all of the women refused to stay after the death of the missionary.  The medicine man  was wearing a headdress representative of a wildcat as he put this curse in place.   He was full of terrible anger, and revenge, and destructive intention.

In format to the dream I just described as the Crucifixion dream, the storm came in from the Spirit side, and the curse was made at the spring, which would have been on the side where the old man came in with such anger.  The children would have been in the back yard, and the house standing where the dreamed boxy house had been.

I tried then to go to the outer limits of the swirling storm, seeing it from above, and at that outer edge, I tried to start good energies to swirl back in, to eventually neutralize this curse.  It seemed to work.  But, I had the impression, that if it had been in effect for 300 years or more by then, it would take that long to undo those effects.   I felt that it showed that my family had been under a residual effect of this curse for as long as we had lived there, and anyone else who lived there before us.   Later, our farmhouse burned down, and was replaced by a mobile home on higher ground, under which no Indian Settlement had ever stood.  And, they put in a well, and no longer used the spring water.  But, if it was to take the full 300 years, only 50 of it have passed by the time of writing this..

I came to believe that this curse did exist, and in what I had seen from above, it had not extended to the area where my grandparents lived five miles away.  I still picture the process of it being mitigated to be continuing on.

But, still later, I had one more dream that followed along from all of this.   Not all of my dreams are real; I dream garbage stuff, and the spinning off of the thoughts from the day, also.  But, many dreams have had a reality to them.  I would think most people would have an idea of what this difference is.

This time I realized, in my dream that I had left the wildcat and snake in the shallow pit in the back yard of the old farmhouse.  What if it was an actual aspect of either my brother or my mother?  Or even just a way I had condemned them for something that might have been the influence of that curse, and not their own intentions anyway?  What if they both had that dangerously bad temper from the place we lived in, even if none of the rest of us had it?   In the dream I was back there, saw the shallow pit, and the tiny wildcat and snake still in it.

I went into it myself, and began to dig dirt from the center of it with my hands to make a ramp up the side, so the small creatures could get out.  But, I dug through a hole in the bottom of my shallow pit, and we all began to fall into a much deeper pit.   In my dreams, I fell for all the time of my dreams for the next three nights.  It seemed more universal, where all condemning intent would put someone.  We all fell more like leaves falling, not like some heavy rock falling.  We fluttered down and down.  I saw the snake flutter to a spiral path winding along the east side of the pit, the children’s side, and when it landed, it was my mother in an anger she had tried to renounce.  A little farther down, I saw the wildcat land on a spiral path at the west, the spirit’s side,  and become my brother in an anger he had tried to renounce.  Both seemed to be ok there, with a way back up already under their feet in the direction they were headed, yet both were headed to the south, or toward the mind, and toward a review of their lives.  Mother was dead by then, but my brother was not.

Yet I still fell down and down.  It closed in on me, still with a spiral path back up, but it also got darker and darker.  It did not get any colder or hotter.  All along, beings like leaves falling landed on the path back up, but there was no one else that I knew.

When I landed at the bottom, it was dark, but I still had some light, which seemed to come from myself, from my own body.  I was totally alone in the bottom of a well, maybe 8 feet in diameter, and round.  The way up was seen from there, but the path got wider and wider going up, and lighter and lighter.  I felt everyone on the path was OK.   I did not see myself on the path; this was at the bottom and the center of this pit.   I was alone there.

But, in the dim light I saw only the shadows of more figures falling like leaves, and I thought they were beings who had never lived, never been human, never alive, but they had this potential same as I had it.  Thousands of them fell in there with me, but they seemed not to take up any space.  It never was crowded down there.  I did not actually see the beings who had fallen, only their shadows from the light emanating from me.  Finally, no more of them continued to fall in there with me.  I had no idea what to do; I could not communicate with them or anything.

But, suddenly, I had a cup of water in my hand, and I poured it over my head and let it also run down over everyone and everything in there with me. I said words aloud, meaning I shared my baptism with them, I would forever be willing to be their ancestor, for whenever they could begin to live.  They were not abandoned or forgotten.

I still think this is a bottoming out kind of thing we all must come to in our own ways, not unique to me.  Just in being alive, we can be ancestors or teachers, examples to others, or just helpers, to those who follow us.   This dream seemed to mean to do this willingly, and to do it as best we can.  I said yes to something then.

With that, the floor became warm and lighted.  It was a mass of tiny honeycomb containers, and the unseen beings each went into one of the little honeycomb tubes, as if they became just a visible fertile seed in every container.  After they all were in these, and I alone was still outside, the honeycomb tubes all sealed up, exactly as if with clear wax, but they stayed lighted and warm there.  It was in no way a hell at the bottom of this pit, it was more like a womb for them each and all.

Falling all the way to the bottom seemed to be the more universal way to realize that if I am comdemning others, I am a human being too. I can lose my temper too, and I am condemning myself just as much as I am condemning any one else.  We may not kn0w all the pressures someone is under.

And if someone has lost their way, it has been from the difficulty of their lives,and the influences on them.  They started out as innocent children, one and all.   I have to allow for this, but in turn, it applies for me as well.  We are all forever given a fresh start, if and when we need it, and can be ready for it.  Our potential is never lost.  For me, it seemed to be a fresh start then.  Leaving from where it had seemed to be at the bottom of a pit, I was merely at ground level, and it was a time of a fresh start for our whole family soon enough.  For me it seemed like starting Kindergarten 101.

The 5th and last guiding dream, in 1962 when I was 38. * 25th in the series

The Crucifixion Dream, of 1962,  completing 5 dreams

The young man and I went to the back of the yard, and brought the old woman in, and then both the old woman and old man to the center of the large backyard.   They had nothing to say.  We brought the girl child and boy child to the center as well.  We also brought the very normal male and female dogs to the center as well, with us.

I want to mention that the best description of such figures representing aspects of ourselves is in Carl Jung’s teachings, and his many books.  I went on to understand that the male figures, and any female figure as well, was also a kind of doorway through which people could relate to me, connect to me, into my mind, my soul, relative to my own body, and even to my own spirit.  As relating to me, and as oneness with me, but still as an intrusion I could accept as part of myself.  Beliefs are taken in that way.  Connections with people can be almost locked in that way.  My mother and grandmother had related to me through the old woman archetype so it seemed to come from, and even be from my own mind.  My girlfriend’s father had his hold on her through the old man archetype of the mind.  Even the dogs were representative of human beings, if the people could have been in a position of developing their souls, but were without the spiritual essence inhabiting them.   But, there was also the conflict between the old woman and old man to be understood and considered.

In the center, first, I directed with the male assisting me, for the old man archetype to stand at the center and to hold his arms out firmly from side to side, facing the spiritual side of the area   Then, we picked up the woman, and placed her across his arms.  We told them something, and the meaning of it was like this.  The man’s mind works vertically.  He can see the specifics, and get right to the point.   He has big and high or low  ideas and ideals.   But he has to be supportive to the woman.  She can see widely, she can see horizontally, and for what others intend and are doing.  She will include others in every decision, and he cannot do this unless he listens to her and supports her in her thinking and feelings.  But, she will lack the immediate focus, but see the next small step that can be taken by someone, not necessarily herself.  She also needs to listen to him.    They are a team, because neither one can be balanced and whole in what they are and in what they do, without each other.  Each one alone can be out of balance, or go to some extreme or another.  I have since believed this to be true in human nature.

I am sure that in the dream, I spoke for the female, and the young man spoke for the male.  It seemed more mental than out loud.  We had to know this before we could get to that point.  Again, this could well have been a Divine interaction on my behalf.  The young man represented the Spirit of a man, a doorway in relating.    But, he was my own archetype, my own doorway to the spirit of a man relating to me.  I spell this out, because it was not to all spirit, or to God, it was for a relationship connection.  It was an archetype.

Next, and this seemed strange at the time, even in the dream.  I “required” of him, that he crucify me on this cross, as if to make my own Spirit become linked to the teamwork of this mind pair.  It did not hurt, but he hated to do it.  Then, when I came down, he seemed to require it of me that I also crucify him on this same cross.  I hated to do it, but I did so.  It seemed to lock in that we knew the male and female relating and individual spirits had to accept this teamwork of minds.  When he came down, the older pair also separated from being positioned as a cross.   The name of this dream was and is


Then, we all formed a circle; I was on the left, holding the young man’s  archetypal Spirit  hand with my right hand.  He held the old woman’s hand, as she held the old man’s hand, and on around to the children.  The old man held the hand of the girl, and she held the boy’s hand.  The boy child held the “hand “ of the female dog, and she held the “hand” of the male dog.  As I completed the circle, the male dog and female dog were immediately a young man and woman, about the age of puberty.  I held the hand of the young man, who had been the dog.

I understood this as a process of evolving in a body and soul to be fully human.  As if a lower nature had still been in them until this uniting wholeness.

With this, I was suddenly above and beyond this circle, and could see all of the figures, even the ones representative of both archetypal spirits.  I felt that I had been created to have all these aspects of self, Spirit, Mind, Soul and Body.  I was not just a spirit, without a mind, or without a soul, nor even without a body.  I was a whole.  I had the 8 archetypes, not just the female ones, and a man would have all 8, not just the male ones.  His archetypes would reflect his own life experiences, his own open doorways.  But, we each could become whole.  The 8 archetypes would exist in both individuals, and relating through them would be to all others, men and women alike.  We were whole, above, looking on.   Yet, I was alone.  I called it my Individuation, my integration as an individual.

I might add that even the spiritual archetype is an open doorway for others to enter us, and influence us, without our realizing it. It seemed to be the closing of the male spiritual archetype position as a doorway, which cut off the psychic attack on my son.  Yet that attack came as if the source wanted no one to relate to me but himself, in any archetype.

The change of my viewpoint seemed to be one of the spirit’s viewpoint, but there was a wholeness of being, linked by minds to each other, and with this recognition of our human nature, and childlike nature, as an eternal and integrated part of our wholeness. Body Mind and Soul.  We were created as a Spirit with a body soul and mind as aspects of our being.  We were to become a Spirit with a mind, with building a soul, and with a body.  But, for living, no one is an island unto themselves.  All of these are also ways others can and do connect to and with us.  I came to feel it is a created potential, for everyone. A wholeness for each person only as the human nature of living can connect people.

In Spirit, it may seem like being a drop in an ocean, and we are not sorted out of it.  But, life sorts us out, like an evaporating vapor forms a drop of rain.  The accomplishment of all this seemed to be individual integration, at a level of seeing the need to begin Kindergarten 101.

I had said that there had been 3 recurring nightmares in my childhood.  In the last of these, I had dreamed that a terrible storm was sweeping in, circular, but more spiral, as if I was already inside a tornado.  I lived in a part of the country where I had never seen or heard of a tornado.  It always came in toward me from the west, circling on the hill above the farm house, over where our spring water source was, and in a tight spiral, as if to come next to hit my family and me, and demolish our house.  I always woke up terrified.  It had tremendous energies of destruction with dark clouds, which hid everything else from sight.

Well, sometime after this Crucifixion dream that same recurring nightmare again began to occur, after I had not had it since I had left home.  It seemed to be of the meaning of the second guiding dream, where there was danger to me in the room that was later realized to be the side of the spirit.  I will go on to this in my next blog, and this has completed the 5th and last guiding dream.

Psychic Attack, Family Crisis. * 24th in series.


I went to my son, as he was having convulsions, for the only time in his life before or after.  He had not been ill that evening, but he was running a temperature of 105 degrees.   I could not handle him, and he even bit me.  He seemed to be terrified.  I called my husband, and together, we got him into a cool tub of water and called the Doctor.  Actually, our Doctor lived across the street, and our older two sons were both occasional baby sitters for them.  So, he came right over to the house.  He stayed with us for quite awhile.  The boy’s convulsions stopped as his fever came down, but he talked as if in a delirium.  But, it scared me terribly, because I could recognize what he was babbling about as if it had come right out of my dream.  But, there was more too, he was saying that someone was attacking him, and trying to drive him out of his own mind.  He also said that he was to keep counting to higher and higher numbers, as the only way to hang on.  At this, my husband said, for the only time he ever mentioned it, that this was the bad dream he had repeatedly as a child, and still had it on occasion, and had just been having it then as we all waked up.  Before the Doctor left, he said he had seen this happen before, and it is a family crisis, not just the boy’s fever.  He said he would probably be ok by morning, and relatively, he was.  The Dr. wanted me to take a tranquilizer and try to get some sleep, but I did not dare to go back to sleep, and I was afraid to dream.

As the aftermath, our son was in a daze the next day, and only pulled out of it over about a week.  He had no fever, but he would just sit, and start to go back into that terrified state.  It was the only time I ever asked my husband to stay home from work with me that next day.  Yet we did seem to know what to do.  We had to start asking our son what he wanted to do, and then ask him to think how to do it, not tell him how to do it.  We both did this, and it helped.  This son was the most obedient kid you could imagine, as if he did not have a rebellious bone in his body.  But, he seemed to be trying to be and to do what others wanted.  During the days of that week, we moved his older brother into the basement recreation room, and gave this son his own room, and insisted he start to plan on paint and new curtains, new decorations, anything to make it his own.  At first, he could hardly think this way, but my husband and I both backed off of telling him a thing, and insisting it was up to him.  I had him help plan and prepare the meals, even though we did end up having fried chicken almost every night.  I asked his help on everything, setting the table, doing dishes, picking up wet towels, anything and everything.  We shopped for new clothes for him, and I kept making him pick them out.  I kept him so busy he did not have time to sit and go into a funk.  By the end of the week, the Doctor specifically asked for him to be their baby sitter.  I went over and talked to him about it, because I was afraid he would fall back into the state of mind he had been in, if he was only there to “sit”.  But, the Dr. assured me that trust and responsibility was just what he needed, he would be just fine.  In fact, I don’t think the Dr ever charged us for any of this, and we never even asked about a bill.  I have often wondered, how on earth had he ever known of such a thing happening to some other family?

Our son was just fine baby sitting, and in fact, over the next few weeks, he just came out of a shell and did great at school and with his friends.  He and a buddy bought new clothes, and dressed alike at school, and got the best kind of attention from all the other kids.  Dating started, and he got a part time job too, for extra money.

But, there was still that sense of our son having felt he was being attacked.  When I had psychic powers for three years, I had those friends who had recognized this in me.  In particular, one woman who lived in the area, maybe 30 or so miles away, who then often had been coming to visit me.  And, there had been two guys too, with whom I had corresponded.  Well, I received a letter from the one man saying that he had tuned in on me, and some other psychic was trying to cut off his contact with me, and he had really clobbered him and put him in his place.  He even told me that there was some impression of the guy counting to very high numbers, to try to keep him from getting at him.  I wrote back and told him he had attacked my own family, not some other psychic.

My response to it at the time it was happening was to picture it as if I put up a mirror all around us and reflected back to the source, whomever and whatever the source, anything that was thrown at my family or me from anywhere. It was reminiscent of the energy of the black dog. It was meant to hold me in a relationship, and with no one else coming between. I was not to be hurt by it, but anyone who seemed to be in the way of that relating to me, was a target. At the time I prayed to win free of such a psychic contact. I did this by mirroring the reflection back knowingly and intentionally. I could not and did not aim it at anyone; it was only to reflect back to the source.

But, more than that was my prayer. I wanted that kind of window which had been open in me to shut out any such use of psychic power, and if I had been a channel for it to my family, I wanted that to never be possible again. I would far rather give up and lose such power forever than have it attack my family that way. If it had been handled poorly, our son might have not recovered from it.  Medically, if our son had not recovered, the reasons given would have been his high fever and convulsions.  He was always very receptive, picked up on people’s emotions and confusions, and became extremely able to help them.  He and his family never saw it as I had, and referred to it as a psychotic episode.   My husband never quite believed in psychic powers, but his recurring childhood nightmare suggests  he had fought something like that off when he was a child.

 I knew this guy sort of had the idea of his powers, which were real enough, to let him be king of the hill, and he was proud of that.  The woman, also, if she used her powers at the expense of someone else, had told me that then they need the lesson that teaches them, and she should not put a lid on it just to make weak people feel good.  I now can see that my very first guiding dream gave me a hint of the kind of spiritual danger there could be.  But, I would not have realized that there could be an attempt to have a psychic hold on me.

When the one psychic told me it was from him, I told him I had protected us with a mirror to reflect the attack back to its source. But he told me I was an amateur with no such power, and it was with a  man who was a powerful psychic

About those two psychics, I tried to tell both of them about using such powers at the expense of others, or having it be for the good for everyone it touches.  Neither one of them believed me, and in eventual ways, the man had a child commit suicide, and the woman had a friend come to their house and shoot himself in their living room.  Other things in both families were almost as bad. We completely lost contact.   I heard from both of them a few years later, but it was just before they died.  The woman felt she was in great danger and within a few more days with no word,  I was notified of her death, with no known next of kin.    The man who said he had fought another psychic told me only then, years later, that the battle had clobbered him, his term for it, and he was burned out, and never had any psychic power again.  But, for both of them, nothing was reconciled or learned.  I was very sorry to find this out.

 The other man  became a fairly well known author and respected psychic, and had no idea about what had gone on in my family.

I did not realize until some time later that this willingness to renounce such power is the way to get it under control, to learn how to use it.  It may only be our own part in what is done, but we do have to learn how to use that gift.  I do not know if everyone would have to learn this the hard way, as I did.  I can hope that the intention to try to use the psychic powers wisely and well for the benefit of others, and not to show off or take advantage, would protect them and their loved ones from harm.   But, many do seem to ask how to protect themselves from psychic attack.  My experience is, learn how to use this as spiritual power, with guidance and asking to be stopped if you are going wrong, doing harm.  Watch out for the side effects.

Four pairs of Archetypes, boy / girl in bodies, dogs, minds, and the spiritual pair. * 23rd in series.

The dream went on from there the next night. 

Out there in the back yard again, we saw a little girl and a little boy just inside the fence on the other side of the back yard from where we originally entered.  They seemed to be waiting for us.  I made a radio in my hands and gave it to the little girl for her to use for the both of them.  I felt it would give them guidance.  She began to listen to it, and the boy with her could hear it too, or she would tell him about it.  I felt I had already done something with that meaning and functioning, but this was more a symbol of it.

But, instantly, a very angry older man rushed in from the far end of the back yard.  The side I understood to be from the mind’s functioning.  He dashed the radio to the ground and stomped on it, and forbade me from ever giving that to her again.  I calmly answered, that he could not destroy what I could create, and I intended for her to have it.  I made it for her again and gave it to her again.  His anger was only addressed toward me, not at the children.  But, they would not have seen this.  They cowered from him.

In the dream, this man appeared to be like the father of one of my friends.  The real person had actually been a very dominating man in the name of his religion, and forbade my girlfriend from seeing the man she was in love with, because he was of a different religion.   In the end, she did marry another man her father approved of, and soon became totally estranged from her whole family.

Next he threatened me as if telling me SHE was out behind the fence, waiting in the car, and if I would not listen to him, I sure as hell would have to listen to HER.  The dream ended then, for that night.

As the dream continued the next night, I went back to the fence with him, and saw an older woman in the car.  He told me, she will tell you this, and she will tell you that, just wait and see.  But, I was looking at her face, and her face was telling me that she would not ever say what he was saying was coming from her.  She was unable to talk, because he was talking for her, as if speaking on her behalf.  But, in effect, he was holding her silent.  I confronted him, and told him that he was only trying to put words in her mouth, and it was nothing at all that she would say herself.  I told him that he was dominating her and claiming to be a spokesman on her behalf.  I told him that I was going to ignore him, and try to help her to become able to speak for herself.  The older woman was still not in the backyard; she was in a car outside of the fence.  At that we left them.  The young man was with me, and seemed to be supportive to me, through all of this.  But, the dream ended for that night.

As the dream continued the next night, there also were very disturbing events in my family.  I would have to call it a family crisis.  Much about it was very strange, and not part of the dream.  Yet, it was part of what the dream meant.

As we went back to the center of the back yard, the huge black dog with the red eyes came around the right hand side of the house with his female mate.  She was the small black dog I had seen to be myself in the second dream, representative of the soul functioning without the spirit inhabiting it.  They came up to the central area where we were, and mated, and she became pregnant with a litter of pups.  I was thinking it was not good for the children to see this, but then, I had been brought up on a farm, and such events with the animals were commonplace.  But, these dogs seemed to be representative of myself, or of people who are living without spirit, and with only the animal nature.  I did not want the children to be affected by them.  The children watched, took it all in, and I only hoped it was good for them and not harming them.

Then, the mother dog had her pups, and began to nurse them.  But, as she cared for them, the male left everything for her to do, to find food, to be nourished herself. He seemed to be watching with a critical eye, ready to nip at her for anything he did not like.  He also seemed to own her, and the pups were in his way.  As she cared for the pups, she became more and more emaciated, her flesh even began to be rotten, with maggots in her sores, but the pups were thriving at her expense.  Suddenly, the male ate two of the 4 pups, and it seemed that she was required to eat the other two of the 4 pups.  At that, she was healthy again, at their expense.  But he also appeared to be a normal dog himself, no longer so huge and with red eyes.  But, he was ready for sex with her again, not that he had puppies in mind, but just for sex with her.  She also seemed like a dog just coming into heat for the first time ever.  They seemed just like any normal male and female dog pair following their instincts.

I did not at all understand this.  Even animals are not like that with their young.  Some are, but seldom the females.  Yet. we had one cat, who, with her first litter did eat all her kittens. But, later, she also went feral, that is she became wild, after having been just like the other cats around the farm.  If she ever had other kittens, they were also wild, or we never saw them.

 I could not fathom how this with the dogs could have meaning for me.  I could see how we might destroy our children by our mistaken ways of parenting, but this seemed intentional.

The dream ended abruptly then, with my middle son, on his 15th birthday, screaming in his sleep.  My husband also was waking up from a bad dream, as he sometimes had before.

There was one more dream in this same setting, just continuing on, but it came about a week or more later.  Right then, there was this family crisis.

Entering as Spirit and children Archetypal pairs, *22nd in series.

In 1962, I had the last of the 5 dreams, I was 38    


I was realizing at the time that it was still part of the same series.  This dream was very hard for me to take personally, although it seemed it must have that meaning.  Still, in the three years following, as I tried to apply what it showed me, I did realize that it was more about a universal condition of people the world over, it was about being a human being, which of course did include myself.  It showed me that, under other and adverse circumstances, it could be about myself.  But, it seemed to show me the fullest extent of the human condition, and how we could behave, at our worst.  It almost was like I had to own up to the possibility that under the worst of circumstances, I could not be sure but what it would have applied to me and to my own life.   It opened the doors I had known I would have to open sometime.  Yet, not to show me that I had been or done this myself.  Only that I have human nature, and life and our circumstances teach us, some of it the hard way.  It could have been that way for me.  There were these possibilities in being human, among other humans.  

The dream began as I walked along the dirt road toward where my family’s old farmhouse had been.  As I approached it, I could see that a flood was receding, with mud everywhere.  I began to walk on the higher side of the road, at my right.  I saw a golden carp trapped in the ditch near the road beside me.  I stopped and struggled to pick him up.  He was large and heavy, maybe 3 feet long.  He could not realize I was trying to help him, he struggled with me against being picked up.  But, I managed to do it, and carried him across to the other side of the road where water was still receding.  I went into it far enough to put him down into deep enough water, and he swam off.

In real life, our land flooded now and then, and it was usual that fish would be trapped in small areas of water left standing.  People from miles around would come to catch them.  So, the idea here was not at all unusual to me.  But this was an exceptionally large and beautiful carp.

But, after rescuing the fish without him even knowing I had helped him, I was suddenly dry and clean.  The road was no longer muddy, even though the receding floodwater was still along the left side of the road.  Also, a young man, appearing to be about 21 or so, was walking beside me.  I also seemed to be about that same age.  He was no one I ever saw before.  We entered what seemed to be a back yard, a fenced and square area, larger than any usual back yard.  We approached the old farmhouse, but it was in fact just a boxy building, not really like my early home.

I recognized the pattern, the layout of the dream overall.  I, we, had entered downhill and  from the side of the Spirit.  The whole of the house stood in the place of the servants, the soul.  Across the way from where we entered, was where I had always seen the children, as I also saw a boy and a girl child there in this dream.  At my right, was where the side of the mind had always been.  I had my bearings even as I dreamed.  But, for the first time, I entered with a young man, and I saw both the boy and girl children.  Karl Jung called these our archetypes.

We never talked, but this young man and I made eye contact as if we both knew what we were doing there.  Not that I really did, but it seemed to be something he would follow through with me, something we both had to do, and do together.   We went into the center of the back yard, and seeing nothing in particular to do, went to the house.  This dream then ended.  But it was the kind of dream that continued night after night.

Dreaming further the next night, as I came to the house, the back door opened easily and I entered.  I was in a kitchen, and looked all around.   There was no fire in the stove; our old farmhouse always had a wood stove.  Everything was neat and put away.  There were foods stored in a pantry.  It was all clean, without dust, but it looked as if no one lived there.  I went on into a living room, and then came to the front door, across from a wide stairway up.  I went up there, and there were two bedrooms, all made up ready for use, but no sign that anyone had ever used them.  I tried to get some idea of who might live here, but nothing rang a bell.  It seemed more that if anyone came in there, they would find food and clothes to wear, it was ready to be lived in.  But, this was not what I was there for.

Puzzled, I went back downstairs.  At the front door, I opened it to look, or to perhaps go out the front way.   But a huge black dog with red eyes attacked me in the doorway, and would not let me go out.  I knew it to be a male.  He seemed to intend to be protecting me, but he would rather kill me than let me go out there.  But, he did not want to hurt me, only to keep me in this place, and never let me out that doorway.  I only saw the big outdoors out that way, and did not understand this.  This dog could not have come in the house by that door.

At that, I knew that I did not need to go out that way, it was not the way I had come in anyway.  But, it seemed impossible for me to go out that door. I shut the door, and went back through the house and out into the fenced back yard again.  I did not even wonder about it that the young man had not come in the house with me.  But, he was there when I went back out.

 In retrospect, from the outside, I had been in only half of this house, at my left again looking at the back door, there was another half of the house, as if it were a duplex.  But, at my right, on the side of the children, there were windows, and a very normal kind of a home. The stairway was next to the duplex side. and my portion of the duplex, was only on that side of the house.  There was no window or door between the two sections.  I could assume that perhaps the young man went in the other side, but I saw no doorway there. It was as if he was just outside waiting for me.  I did not think about this, and did not wonder about it at all.

At this point, the dream seemed to end, but did continue the next night.