Still writing


I have a mixup on my blog right now, and wonder if I will post  this as a first blog in a new  site, or if it will add to the one I had.

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More detail or specifics on what was experienced, or illuminated, of brain stem nature.‏


 

I planned to add this to the  previous post, but, if you will allow for that connection, it also can stand alone.
There was so much more to the brain stem illuminations.  It had a right and a left side to it, partly new, more recognized, but not realized, aware, or conscious before then.


The right side of it was below, and yet still the direct and personal human experience.  It had an upper part to it, and a division with a lower part to it.  Above was about growing up and choices about what kind of a human being I would be.  Not any of it had been conscious.  Yet it was recorded, and accessible.  My main course had been to give up on taking advantage of others, just wanting what I wanted, in exchange for rewarding relating  with family members, even if they would have kept on doing  things for me.  It had taken time.  Below this was a lower nature, like being a predator, or like the animals, in instinctive or natural ways.  It was there in me, and never erased from me, but it was gradually outgrown.  It was not shameful, it was far more natural and childish, but I had to out grow what it could be. 


But there was other Left Brain Upper and Lower too, and it involved pets, or animals being animals, versus a tendency to personalize the pets, and see them as more than they really were.  I had tea parties, with catnip tea, with the cats and dolls. 


We  had one dog, a shepherd, who was able to go fetch the cows on command.  It was  in his nature, and neighbors would borrow him to train their pups to do the same.  He would go home with the neighbor, stay a couple of weeks, and just come home  again.  We would hear that he did exactly as they had wanted.


Yet, when we went swimming in the river, we would often pretend to be floundering in deep water, and he would swim circles around us until we grabbed his tail, and he would pull us to shallow safe water.  But, he did it  exactly the same way if we really were in trouble, or pretending, so  in time, it seemed unfair to play that way. 


I did have a sense of death when one cat  died.  It was like going between the molecules and atoms, with my perception or imagination, to where there was all the space in existence, with only potentials  in it, like little sparks of no solidity at all.  A vast and eternal space, with nothing in it but potentials.  The cat went back to where all cats would go,  and  yet  the potential still existed.  Same for my dog. 


But a deeper part of this on the lower left was that I had a green thumb, so to speak, all my life.  Even as a child, my mother let me plant my own wild flower garden, true, it did not survive beyond that summer, my brothers parked the bikes there too.  But, with the brain stem experience and illumination, this came to mind again.  It was left brain, in the sense of my own tuning in to life as it was all around me.  Not part of myself, but something I could relate to.  And, I did make it personal, for sure, and still use many house plants for décor.  But, there  really was a tuning in  going on, a way to augment and help life along, wishing it well, and  seeing it thrive.  But this connects to the broadest spectrum of life going on around us.  It underlies our own living, too, all the time.


I think I have put this in words as best I can, and will make a next post of it.

Brain Expansion, by spiritual changes.


// Message body

I had originally written to an author of an essay article titled “Synergy”  It was about the many coincidences which occur with Synergic  connections between various  people.  The author was a  professor at Chapel Hills University many years ago.  I had begun to notice these connections, not caused out of our own intentions or doing, but larger than life, in some way.  As it  turned out, the Author wrote back to me saying that I should write to someone else who  had written  to him in much the same way.  This was in 1964. 

In a few months, from this introduction, we had finally both written to each other, with  seemingly almost nothing in common, except the subject at hand.  But, it began a connection between us that lasted for the rest of our lives.  It took us about 6 months corresponding by  long distance mail, to describe our different backgrounds and experiences for sharing.  We corresponded for 33  years, mostly every day.

We began to have these coincidences, this synergy in our sharing, our inner guidance, our insights, as if we were being guided and shown a same way, at the same time, with nothing prior to have led up to it.  Some dreams were with the same meanings to each of us, which we  could put in  words to each other, even if the dreams were not at all  alike.  We both felt the need, totally, to not let this interfere with what our daily lives had to be.  My marriage, and his own position as the oldest son’s responsibilities into the  lives of his widowed mother, his several siblings, and for 2 little girl nieces whom he inherited to  bring up for his widower brother. This lasted until the girls were  grown up, as he was the  main support and leader in his  family.  It began when  my sons were all in school, college, down to 6th grade.  But, even my husband did accept this relationship and constant corresponding, in some way beyond explanations.

In a way, my husband  did not ever want to hear about unexplainable happenings.

Over the years, eventually I visited his family, a few times from where my brothers lived back east, and I seemed to be accepted as  the woman in his life, with no one  questioning it.  For  some years, we talked on the phone for perhaps an hour, every Saturday morning, as my husband worked, and children grew up and went their ways.

This is all background  to what happened  next. 

We had not really admitted how connected we seemed to be.  But, at one point in time, we both had experiences which seemed to affect our brains.  We wrote  it out to each other, with our letters crossing in  the mail,  not read until after we had both told each other. 

He wrote to me,  that it was like a lightning bolt into the top of his head, down  into  the brain stem, sort of bringing the brain stem into  use or  awakening it, connecting it up with  the rest of his brain.

But my experience was very different.  I felt the sensations of a trickle  flow of energy back and  forth  sideways in my brain.  It was  like a tickle in the feeling.  It seemed  to  me to verify and then to amplify,  or light up the right and left brain  connections  already begun .  It was slow, as if just  the examples of far more rapid energies, but slowed down to be felt and noticed and defined.  I had no sense at all of the brainstem  connections, and he had no sense at all of the  right and left brain energy flow.

However, as our letters reached each other, I could “look into”  the brain stem  experience, and get the sense of what it was.  He could not, but he  understood all I came  up with.  As it if was his own experience. 

I did not  get the real meaning, gist, of what the  right and left brain feed back really was, but  he could see it, and then in describing it to me, it was as if I had the experience of it first  hand. 

It was only then, that we felt our connection and feedback went  far deeper, with more reality for each of us.  It was as if we were spiritually connected, and it was giving us the brain and body functioning  understanding

So, with these interactions, we both had both expansions, in our brains.  We felt it  as if there had been 4 sections of  our brains, or 4 rooms, and we distinctly then began to experience it as 8 sections or 8 rooms.  I still think this is a result of a  spiritual expansion, and not  commonplace.   

But, the main reason to write about this now, is  to tie it in with what I  could share with corresponding with Julian James, so many years ago, about brain stem experiences  and meaning. 

Brain Stem has to do with the body, body  sensations, things  the body learns  beyond the mind itself.  It has to do with sexual behavior, instincts. Such energies can be repressed at  a cost to what life can be, but they also  can run wild by nature, and need to be understood, and used with awareness and discretion, but they still have so much  power into life.

Right brain contains the original experience we have without it  being digested, or altered into what makes sense to us, and can be  explained.  Left  brain does the alteration into what will go into language, what will make sense,  be rational, and is the story we finally formulate about the experiences.  We need both, of course, and they need to work of a whole.  A sense of  reality forms in the left brain.  Raw experience is prior to a sense of reality about it.


I am now seeing the flow of Cosmic energy like a river, with a main stream, with its swirls, whirlpools, and quiet places, along with crashing on what seems to be the edges.  The raging river of my 3rd dream in this blog may well  have been my own sense of drowning in that stream, not just in life as it moved along. I did have a glimpse then of what my log that I could hang onto of that dream may have meant to me.

It was the switch-over from “school” teachings to all alike, into having one thing at a time come to me just as my own guidance. Yes, that was it. I never knew what that had been for me. 


Now too, I can see the groups who believe they are doing the raising of the energies, are not doing a thing about the actual energies, but they ARE aligning, and moving with the thrust of the energies, by this attempt. 


And, those who go to war are in some way placing themselves in that flow, at the crashing rock and hard place as if it must be done, and is the only resolution to be had.  Nothing changes but their position.


That is the point for anyone, it is our alignment, or lack of it, and our position relative to that flow of energy. When, no one sees there is a flow of energy, but it is sensed to some measure, by anyone, and by everyone.


Yet, it is not THAT there is this cosmic energy, as if it has an intent and directive as such.  It does not.  Yet, it began with the beginning of the existence of the universe, and the cyclic ebb and flow of it eventually containing our solar system and world, and with that, humanity, and with that, ourselves, one on one in our alignment and positions, as the flow moves along.  It had and has a  purpose, and it has proved to be a cause of  upheaval and change, in the physical world, and in our electrical energy in flowing motion even in our bodies.


Still, there was purpose, a cause in it, there was structure and process in it, and in all that has existed.  And, as impossible as it may seem, that purpose, cause, structure and process, is in evidence into every bit of this huge universe, down to the smallest particle of life or substance. Yet it seems to be questioned, in  comparison to our own  wills and self direction, when there inevitably is / are both. It can seem to work as a personal guidance, or not, and it can work as oneness with all that exists, and yet as ourselves individually, and as both. Perhaps, now I wrote this, I can post it.

I do see this producing change in humanity,  because like a solar flare, its electrical effects cause change in human brains and bodies, same as changes by solar flares into the world’s electrical systems.  It will in effect, raise human consciousness, and being aligned to it and accepting it, will  help each one of  us.

Are we approaching an advance for humanity, or our self destruction? I vote for our advance


It seems now, that my concept of an advancing potential opening to humanity, is of  a whole with the galaxy which is in motion, all along, even though earth and we move with it.  And, in it, we cannot see one part of it relative to the other.  I am writing this now, in response to questions and the challenges of new ideas offered to me from several sources at once. I can  only thank those who kept after me with this.

Comparing how our solar system puts out flares, and now that our civilization uses electricity, we can see the energy disrupting the electrical energies in our use, and there can be a cosmic or galaxy wave front that may occur in cycles, that would also be disruptive, if not cataclysmal.  History has a lot of fossil records of big and sudden changes ages apart, in weather, climate, and even pole changes.  With it, in even the time humanity has  been evolving, humanity was forced to adapt, move locations, change in functioning, and this effect did make major changes take place quite rapidly in humanity, compared to the smooth going  times.

Well, so much points to this approaching now.  Weather changes for one, and the  many impressions so many have for predicting to expect something like the end of the earth, or predicting a sudden spiritual raising of human consciousness.  I have my own sense of a new human increased potential out of some change coming.  

But, what it if is an actual cyclic cosmic energy wave front, and it does disrupt civilization in its dependence on electrical power, but that the same kind of cyclic cosmic energy wave front has an electrical effect on human beings and our perceptions and brain functioning, and our consciousness.  I now think it makes sense, of a whole with other things. 

But to tie it in with a sense of Divine cause, behind and with observable universal but natural causes, I only  can look at the amazing workings of so much as a whole system, far beyond our own doing.  Even our own lives and  bodies, really, which we so easily can take for granted.  We create, invent, give birth to, out of what exists in our use.  We do not bring about the vast whole way things all work together. We did not cause this, and yet it is of a whole and makes sense.  

My Sense of the Divine


I am trying to think of how to write about Jesus Christ, as he is held to be part of the Divine Trinity.  There is a question too, of the position of the Mother to the Father, and to the Divine Trinity.  And, written separately, The Holy Spirit can lead us to take part in the larger purpose of God, which we cannot fully understand.  We just can do our part.
My inner guidance has pictured it that, in our earthly lives, we are starting in our development, and for us, there are parts of life in which the mother has an upper position, in the home, in childbearing, and in early child rearing.  She does this in a largely receptive and responsive way, but at the same time, she is in charge, encompassing her family and children, as she also supports them in what they are becoming, as they gradually grow up and can stand on their  own two feet.  She seems to see things looking out on all sides, to everyone who is part of their area she feels responsible in.  When it is for someone else, like an older child, or a husband, to do certain things, be responsible in certain ways, she expects it of them and depends on them to do their part.
At the same time, a man has a very different way of looking at life, and having a responsibility in it.  Parents need each other, and neither  one is as good at the part the other has as natural to them.  But, we as a human race, have not yet learned how to share our responsibilities that way.  But, God has made us in their image.  Men and women.  I believe the Bible says it is in Their image, Our own image.  Man without woman does not inherit and populate the world, and Woman, without man, also does not inherit or populate the world. God is not possibly only male, but there is a Father aspect and a Mother aspect, and they are very different.
I had divine inner guidance from each, just as I benefited from having both a Father and a Mother.  As a Father guiding me, it was as if in a vertical way, lower and higher things I might be and do.  And the guidance was for my highest aspirations, ability, knowledge, the best I might have in me.  It left the impression that I was always lacking, falling short, not quite good enough, lower in my nature and actions than was expected and wanted  of me.   But at the same time, As a Mother guiding me, she related to me just as I am at that very moment, and only guiding me for a next smallest step to take in a right direction.  In this, I was always succeeding, at least sooner or later.  I could see myself getting somewhere, and looking forward to a next step in a right direction, without always only seeing a highest goal I might sometime reach, and yet that higher aspiration becoming more and more possible.
To put it in a different way, The Father had the same potential and promise and intention for every one, not just for me.   The mother knew about it, but as a Divine Mother, she related to ME, alone, for right where I was that moment, and only expected a next right direction small step of me, here and now, always.   But, the Father knew about that too.  As Divine parents they knew it was from both of them, to all of us and to each of us.  A highest aspiration goal is not all we look to.  Yet the smallest next step is necessary, but never the completion of going in a right direction.

We, as human beings, with our religions,  do not know that yet.  As human beings, we have not been able to establish our relations with each other with that kind  of trust and cooperation yet.  Our Religions see  God as the way our guidance is from The Father only, to each and everyone, and can lose sight of or think less of the way a Mother guides us into becoming the unique person we can be, in little one step at a time ways.  Men can see this in wives and mothers as a pandering weakness, expecting too little. It hardly can seem that a Divine aspect can be of only that nature. Women can see this in men as always expecting too much, before we as children are capable of it.
PS as I am rereading and thinking about this now, date Feb, 2015 my husband and I talked about this, and for our differences in conversation, he said women in general  talk about trivial things.  When I objected, he said he meant trivia, but I suggested it was that women talk about and care about personal relationships and understanding, compared to what seemed more important immediately into the outside world. He agreed, but added that he thought only he kept forgetting about the on-goings of the relatives and children. I assured him, no it is at least generally a difference of a male priority. 
Well, early on in human evolution, historically so, all humans  saw the Feminine as God, and worshiped accordingly.  But today, we have been largely denying it as pagan, and women look down on themselves for not being like men.  Men begin to look down  on them too, or to put them on a pedestal, and idealize what they are, without wanting to know who and what they really are as individuals in their own right.  No generalization is true or fair to everyone, but it does speak in a real way of the whole.
It is just how far along we have come toward our equality by valuing and realizing it is our differences which make us what we are, and Parents, together, what they need to be for and to a family.  We seem to be moving away from recognizing the value of such differences, and trying to be all alike
God is and can be like this human nature to us.  We cannot see it,  because we are not even recognizing it is possible.
So, the Mother and Father, together, are our parents, not just a Father as an aspect of Divinity but both as our parents.  We are waking up to this, but it was not spelled out in our Bible, even if it was in our evolution history.  We left the past behind, and yet it was our own growth in early humanity.
Now, I want to speak of Jesus Christ, as He is said to be part of our masculine oriented Divinity.
He is generally seen to be Divine in his own right, yet as an only first born son, as well.  But, he was also  a man, too, and this is known in the Bible, but  generally ignored in our religion, compared to his Divinity.   His actual Ministry was in the last 3 years of his life, as if God took over totally, and he was no longer a man.  But, he also still was a man, to the end.
And he demonstrated and was an example of being the firstborn son of God, and with it, like an oldest son in a family here on earth, took up the cause of the father, beside him and with him, toward the family.  He did not say he was taking the Father’s place as an equal, but taking his own place as the first human being to realize and to be recognized as a son of God.  He did not say, “and I am the only son of God ever”, but  he was the only firstborn son in the family of God.
I have been guided in a lifetime process that seems to be growing up, as if I was first to obey, unquestioning, and even blindly, as if I could not see for myself yet at all.  This was with parents and in my sense of the Divine.
In time, in my awakening process, my questioning was welcomed, even if the answer not understood became “because I said so”.
Then in time, I was encouraged to understand, to know why, as I was also exposed to many others ready to tell me what to believe or do.
In time again, over  years of my life, my inner guidance seemed to wait and pause, and delay, until I had to begin to ask God if I could offer to do this or that, and for awhile, during some years, an impression would come,  yes, or no, or “OK, it would not be asked of you but, it takes you in the right direction”.
I thought of this as a dark night of my soul, it came to when I got no impression as if an answer or feeling about it at all.   But, finally, I decided, well then I will go ahead, write, act, do as seems best to me, and hope for the best, but please God, stop me if I am making a big mistake.  I have been stopped at times, believe me.
But, I have also had further impressions, I had first been guided to become true to myself, to discover and admit who I am, not perfect, only human, but growing up.  I had to begin and to learn to trust myself.
But guidance went on, as if I can be trusted  by God, as a daughter in my own individual right, and I have to learn to trust myself. I mean it as if it is like being an older daughter in a human family, where they begin to take on responsibilities as and of their own.
With this comes responsibility not at all to claim divinity for myself, I can only claim that I am finally learning to BE myself.  I am not perfect, there are potentials to attain, more maturity to gain, but I stand only on my own two feet as who I am, with my sense of direction still putting next steps in front of me—-more rapidly, it does seem,—–but then, I am 90 by now.  I did not waste a lot of my life on making mistakes, but, I sure did learn some things the hard way.
But I was guided to be more responsible about the part I might have in living my ordinary life in a way that would also be a part taken in a larger purpose, from God, that I did not really understand.    I am not trying to do this spiritually in a large group of spiritually minded people, not even a church group, it is just how I live my own life that does in some way beyond my own doing, take part in something larger.  I do not direct this my self.  I only live my own life as best I can.  And yet, often there are coincidences, and ways that everyone else in a situation seems to take part it in too, and it is of benefit to all who are touched by it.  This I see as the working of the Holy Spirit.
But, I feel that the life of the Man, Jesus the Christ, was telling us all, we are to grow  up, and become the individual children of God growing up to be sons and daughters in our own lives, here and now.  And, that is more like entering our teens than it is the maturity that may be and would be ahead of us as we continue to grow up.  Not the Divinity we have accorded the first  born son, but the child he was who grew up to know this as who he was.  The man he was, for all of his life.   He opened a way for us to grow up and be sons and daughters in the family of God.
I realize that we all are led as children who must obey,  as if to crawl before walking, or  running. It is essential to follow the process we are on.  I was younger when  I had to to crawl.  And, for me then, Religion spoke to me as to all of us alike, and I was part of a group in what I learned, and none of it was individual.  So, this remains true of the whole of humanity, even as we take our different paths and steps.  We were and remain the children of Divine creating parents, every human being, but we are growing up all the time at our own pace.  I only claim, at age 90, as I could not at 20, or 50, or even at 85, I have been growing up.
I also wanted to describe my experiences when I felt I was able to be taking  part in a much larger way that the Holy Spirit seems to move in our lives, together.   There can be coincides beyond explanation, but it is also just a way a family or a person can tune in  to what is much larger than their own purposes.  Then the immediate situation is seeming to work to the same purpose in which we only have our part.   It is too much for this posting. But, as we can be geared to it, we can also be working against it.  Wars as examples.  When evil somehow takes hold of the hearts and minds of people, out of our own fears and condemnation and hatred.  In that sense, I feel I have lived a charmed, or blessed life. Beyond my own  doing.

One on One to each and any of you.


I feel isolated and alone in this, yet it is the one thing I have attempted to share. Anyone is always alone and isolated in this, since it is always so personal.

I feel my inner guidance and impressions are personal, and even though they seem from a divine source, only Basics can rightly be shared, not that which is personal. Basics get distilled out of experience, out of what can be integrated to keep as valid and true, and a foundation to our lives. Basics are eternal in nature, but never absolute in any one personal situation. They are a spirit of law, never an absolute to always apply.

I pray to be able to do my best in my immediate relating and situation and circumstances, here and now. But, at the same time, with basics, do my best toward and into what I potentially can rightly become. Not to sacrifice my own integrity, but to see how it can apply here and now. It can apply, always.

I feel and see we are all of us unknowing of what we are doing, in need of forgiveness, because we are IN our situation, relationships, communications, circumstances, without knowing what has shaped us. But, we tend to think we know, are right, and we can doubt everyone else, if we try to follow as we believed, even if we have not our own experience in personal ways, to go by.

If we doubt ourselves, it is too easy to think others know, as we do not, but none of us are truly knowing what we are doing.

To go into the study of philosophy, or religion, seems to seek the secret and mystery of guidance, of Basics, truth, what is eternal and forever real, and what our lives can and should become. Religions point to this, but this cannot be there in it for us to follow. It is in ourselves, because it will be personal, as we are all becoming self realized, in relation to God, as becoming ourselves. Not perfected, not denying what we are, but admitting it, discovering it, and then become ourselves the more, not trying to be like an example, or being an example to others. But, wanting them to wake up to their own inner truth, self discovery.

I see there has always been a teaching, and an example, even by parents, prophets, that is to all human beings, men and women, alike. But, we do also go beyond this, like beyond our education, into what applies and comes to us a guidance to us alone, not really applying to anyone else in the same way and time. It leads to self discovery, self honesty, self revealing shared to our prayer and our God.

We do take in, and pass along, to share the basics, the examples, which are for everyone, yes. But, beyond this, we help others to relate to God guiding them, just personally, in self revealing, self honesty, self discovering ways. It follows beyond what is the same teaching for everyone. It is an almost silent sense from within ourselves

Response to someone who has their own similar self discoveries.


This is appreciated and will be shared.  I did have 3 to 4 years following each  guiding dream, which went as if the dream had a lot of info for me in a nutshell, and it took me that long to realize and to apply, discover, all it meant to me, each time.  I did not need help, it would have added confusion.  When I first read Jung, it was as if it was the greatest affirmation possible to me,  in that what I had experienced in my own life was known, and spelled out in how it had worked for others. 
 
But, to mention one thing more, when I told my husband how much it meant to me, he responded that I read one book and think I know all that the author was talking about.  He did not believe dreams  could  be guiding for anyone, and this was more like superstition. But, in time, I understood more of his early trauma, with a father who had mental illness, and eventual electrical shock treatments back in the early 1930’s.  It was never spoken of, but buried and denied.  I only found out that history from his mother after we were married, and his father had died.  I came to feel that my husband would rather have died than ever go  back over the childhood trauma.  Still true today, but on the everyday surface, we do well.  Married 68 years, and we belonged together for what we both were and still are as loving challenges to each other.  
 
I feel that the first dreams led to inner impressions surfacing to me, as if like a spring starting to flow, and washing out muck for that long, until it ran clear and clean.  With that, I dreamed as if my spirit looked on from above, and connected to my life, my body, my mind, my soul, as if I had not known they were mine, and yet, living my life, I had felt it was all  that I was, and my spirit was only waking up then, and in a way, more directive into my life.  It was not like what most glowingly describe as spiritual. It was  as if I was  separated in body, mind, soul and spirit, not even working as one, and discovering that I was of a whole, after all.  yet in conflict within those aspects of myself.
 
For ongoing dreams, it was as if I had come half way by then, and the rest was far more educational, or integrative within my own aspects which each functioned so differently.  It also was as if a spiritual window had opened, or a spiritual point of view and perspective increased.  Not ever intentional, but as if it was sort of gradually coming to be natural, as it never had seemed to be, before. Yet, as you say, there were the remembered experiences, as if it had been in my awareness, but I did not notice it that much or remember it that much.  It was as if new impressions then, also had remembered experiences to verify things like it earlier in my life, when I could still ask my parents if those things really had happened.  
 
It did go on as if the spiritual impressions still came after 1964, and the series of guiding  dreams seemed to have completed.  These still go on.  but, it is this that is most difficult to share, unless someone else can connect to things like it. 
 
It is here that it seems that the things to be seen, felt, glimpsed, are only from my single point of view.  If  someone else really can share, as different as what we have glimpsed seems to be, we get into Religion, what God is like, what prayer is, knowing we only see in part, and into a concept that with a  partner I came to call Structure and Process, of the development of our functioning into our fuller potentials.  
 
Structure and process seems to be the part of what we all learn, in being human, and in waking up to being spiritual beings too, in which it is the same for each and all of us.  But, the individual point of view is more and more distinct, and different, and in part—that is seeing in glimpses, knowing that there is so much more to it.  But in our differences, if we can share it, we all see into a more eternal and real spiritual aspect of our existence and potentials, and  we can only enlighten and add to what another sees in their own way.  All such differences are to be valued, and not taken to be contradictions to one another.  
 
I do read, but I found after 1964, or maybe later than that, I needed to be sure of my own impressions, meanings, experienced visions, first, and only then, add to it from others, not letting my own ideas and concepts be contradicted or dismissed.  I think, with my husbands doubts for any such ideas from me, I had to learn to not let them be undermined and lost.  It is not that I know, or have all the answers, instead, it is as if the more I have seen or glimpsed, the far greater is my sense of there being so much more that is still unknown, and perhaps unknowable now. 
 
For that reason, I do not dive in and read everything I can get my hands on at once, I take it in gradually, and do not let it take away my own sense of a spiritual reality.  It can increase it, always, then.  I learned this with a partner as we recommended and loaned books to each other, and both of us had to state and share our views so far, first, and then read what was seemingly more on the same subject, even if we were slow  to read what each of us sent to the other.  
 
I realize, now I have written this, I might as well put it in as a next blog.  Most of my blogs were written to someone else, first.  It says more than I have been able to put in words before.  Thank you for being someone I could write it to.  Sending to my journal too.

Lesson being learned.


There is a poster that rightly tells us to not let our feelings of love, empathy or compassion be used to manipulate us, and make us a slave to the expectations of others.

Added to this, the flip side is demonstrated in a Charley Brown cartoon. He is scratching Snoopy’s head, but when his arm tires, Snoopy wants him to go on scratching his head, so he does. Soon enough, he begins to resent that the dog is asking so much of him, not aware or caring how tired his arm is getting. He begins to feel that he is just the kind of guy everyone will take advantage of.

But, when we do this, we started it and let it be taken for granted, and only we can speak up and draw the line on what we are willing to do. I must admit, this has my own lesson in it. If I cannot do it all, only I can do something about it.

And what do I take for granted, as if I expect it without asking, or saying thank you??  Yes. lots of things.

This is my actual lesson of here and now, and I will be a little more wise and squared away once I learn it well enough.

It is not out of lovely ideas, it is realizing our mistakes and doing better, never perfect, and realizing it. It is also spiritual, and after each lesson, it is as if a spiritual kind of awareness has deepened, and as if God helped me learn this, if I will only realize it.

Wrapping up my lessons in life, or so it seems.


Well, I am  on the mend.  Not by a  heck of a lot, but I can see that it is More my resentment as I continue on and on, by my own intentions and decisions, to do as my husband seems to need, want and expect, and for me not to hurt his feelings, or upset him to anger or blame, or sullen resistance to even anything I do or say, outside of what he wants, seems to need, and expect.  I do feel that saying this is exaggerated, but only because it is not constant, it is only when things do not go his way.  He  used to give me the silent treatment for about 3 days, once it started, and he gets over it sooner, maybe only one day or less, going to bed, going to work that way, and sometimes still when he comes home from work, or when he gets up in the morning.  He does get over it sooner.  But, what great praise is that? 

 

The Chiropractor does in fact, help me  physically, but if I lose it, it is not overwork so much as resentment for it being expected, when I still DO OVERWORK.  I  have to realize it is my life, really, my life on the line, and my body and health, and I have control over this, and my husband does not.  I also have no control over how he feels, acts, takes it as harm being done to him and what he seems to need, and want, and expect.   Even though, it is expressed as “how I made him feel”, and just a misunderstanding, and a need to understand each other on this one point, this one time.  Not really for what I see for myself as what I should and can do for and with him, and what I should not, even if I can, each time, that one more time, by overwork and not taking care for my own life, health, and body.  

 

I also will have an evaluation for physical therapy on Wed. morning, June 19th, 2013 after at first my husband was refusing to change his schedule of going to work, and my having the car, now we are down to one car.  Now, seeing my instant improvement, and subsequent overwork again, earlier this week, he is insisting he drive me to this PT, not that I use the (HIS) car.  But plans for later appointments, perhaps twice a week, are still to be planned.  I WILL drive myself.  He can adjust his schedule, even if whatever drive he has to make it be a 40 hour week, and to not inconvenience his customers, seems so imperative for him.  

 

He is truly afraid for me to drive.  My car was totalled 3 or more years ago, a truck hit my car, as the driver had sped out of the nearest parking lot to where I had just started up from my stop sign.  But, my husband believed it was my fault, even if the investigating officer gave us both tickets, and only I had the stop sign.   The officer told me to  protest the ticket, and he would have the parking lot surveillance video to show for me by  then.   But, I had never been in court before, and with my husband there with me, he was so rigidly upset about it all, that I only paid a fine and did not find out how to protest it, when it was offered as a sudden announcement to go to some other location.  My lack of confidence in knowing what to do or how to do  it, left me hesitant.  Just paying the fine put it to an end.  BUT, in a strange way, this was an eye opener for me, then, to being blamed when it was not my fault, and the attitudes and feelings that were behind it, all too familiar in my life.

 

This too, led to me to see the pattern of a lifetime, much more clearly, and not dismiss it as a single misunderstanding time after time.  It also led to me seeing the deterioration for my husband with his decreasing competence, his loss of memory, and his increasing need for there to be nothing changed or unexpected to happen.  Yet the pattern had been there all along.

 

So, still have to figure out what to do differently, when, for my own health and life, I have to make changes.  He will not understand or like it.  But, how can I do this and not so he will be affected so as to add to his worsening condition.  

 

I have written this, into my journal, prayerfully,  as if it could be shared, when I probably cannot and must not share it and invite much advice, when I only need to put it out there in so many words, and get my own spirit, soul, heart and mind working as a whole for what is best to do.  I do not want others to feel sorry for me, this was my life’s lessons, all wrapping up by now.  I do not want someone to fix me, So why tell it at all, —–unless others have their own lessons in life, and also get in a spot like this, and find it  is up to them on what is best to do next.  Prayer helps, even if it just is how I get to  put body, mind, soul, and spirit on  the same focus now.  And, who will react to that, because I pray, and expect it to help me, as it always has?  Yes, I will share this, and again, maybe feel I must delete it later.